Times are changing!

just to warn everyone that is out there reading this isn't a normal blog from me, it's likely to be something big and something that although i've thought about for a while, probably won't make much sense and will sound like i'm whining about everything that i can come up with to whine about, so i'm apologising in advance for that. there will be a little blog type bit at the bottom which will make more sense and is verging on normal, well as normal as i ever get!
ok, the following is something that i've written over the last week or so, it's nothing really, more of an open letter about how i'm feeling, also known as the whiney bit:
"where to begin? I don't know. i don't know very much these days. there was a time when everything was easy. i knew what was expected of me and how things were supposed to play out. but that was then, this is now. and now, now i'm stuck, now i'm confused, now i have no idea what it's all about anymore.
"life should be easier than it is. things shouldmake more sense than they do. i guess what i'm really after is a glimpse at how things will turn out before they start. i want to know if buying a girl a bunch of flowers is the right thing to do, if it's going to be worth it or if i'm being presumptious, if it's not worth it or even if it'll balls things up. For example, what if it sparks off her hayfever and she thinks i've done it on purpose because i laugh when she first sneezes, or will she turn into a weird stalker, clingy, bunny boiler type of girl whoo thinks that i'm in love with her just because i got her a bunch of flowers. there's no real answer to that, but it'd be good to know in advance.
"I used to know what i wanted from life, now i'm not so sure. there's only one thing that i've not experienced that is guaranteed and that's death so we'll stop thinking about that now. i want a nice girl, enough money to cope and a job i enjoy. i could expand on the type of girl i want, but that could go on for a long time, basically i wan tsomeone who i can be with without getting annoyed or hurt, someone who is like an extention of my being but is a seperate entity. most of all i want someone who can cope with me and the way i am, now that's asking a lot and i know it.
"life is a big mess really, good things follow good, and bad follow bad. i know that at some point good must follow bad, and vice versa, but i feel that predominantly it's good with good and bad with bad. I'm an eternal pessimist and i should lighten up a little, i know that, you know that, everyone knows it, but sometimes it just seems so pointless."

ok i've heavily edited that from what i'd originally written, mainly because it was boring me to death, originally i'd written some 3 sides of cramped up a4, and my writing isn't the easiest to read!

everything with me is great at the moment, i've been on a high for over a week now, and to be honest it's a little scary, i don't think i've felt this good for a good few months. the positivity is flowing through me like a river and it's weird and great all at once.
i've been hard at work, living large and in charge with the site manager away, i've been running it really, and i've proved to myself that i can do it and it's about time that i found somewhere that'll let me!

on a different note i'd like to thank the people around me that have made me feel welcome and i've re-newed some friendships which is helping no end. i'm going back to being the old me, the me that i enjoyed being, the me that had fun, not the me that changed for people and worried about stuff and compromised things that i believed in because someone else didn't, not that i ever really did that.

Stalker girl is being weird, she keeps asking if everything is ok, no jelly it's not you that i'm talking about, it's stalker girl that i work with. she's doing my head in, she thinks that something is going on with us, but i wouldn't, just wouldn't, it's wrong on many levels, including the level that says she's not the prettiest of people to look at, but that's shallow and that's not why i don't like her, i mean, look at me, i'm no prize picutre myself, i just plain don't get along with her because she bugs me, gets the wrong end of the stick and generally gets upset if i don't talk to her.

my mum's been kinda playing matchmaker with people that she works with, i know she's being harmless and not really doing anything which is why i've been joking with her about it, but she did mention someone the other day that i really could go for, but it'd be weird if something happened, hard to explain why, but it would, that's not to say that i wouldn't want something to happen with her, because i so would, but i've known her for years and t would just be weird i guess

anyway, blogging off for now, take care peeps
Px