mmmm...lumpy
my foot has a lump on the side of it where it's broken...i guess that's to be expected though
the bruising seems to be migrating too, on the toes it's fading to a nice maroon colour ish, but it's now getting some around the heel which isn't too good, it's coming out on both sides of my foot which is odd seeing as the damage is only on one side...
still looking forward to christmas, not sure why though, gradually feeling more and more down again at the moment...probably because of the foot and the limitations that it's giving me
still life goes on
thinking of making some mince pies today, but that all depends on if i can find the ingredients around the house or i'm going to have to go and hunt them down from somewhere like tesco
feeling really bored
might go and watch a film in a minute, i got 6 yesterday, although i've seen 4 of them before, they're good films and i'm going to watch them again...it's funny really because i was thinking about watching one of them before i found it in the shop anyway...so it's cool that i found it
right i'm bored
laters
px
Thursday 23 December 2004
Wednesday 22 December 2004
wuhoo!
1) it's nearly christmas!
2) i've started walking without the boot thing
3) it's nearly christmas!!
4) life is good for once
5) IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!!!
i'm actually getting into the christmas spirit
been walking arounf this evening without my crutches or boot thing so my foot is getting better, mum is a little worried, as mothers do, that i might be pushing things a little too quickly and that i might be doing more damage than good at the moment...yeah it hurts a little, but i did manage to break a boen in my foot (again) in a game of football by falling over! but i'm starting to walk on it after just 10 days, that can't be bad, can it?
anyway, that was all i wanted to say really
laters
Px
1) it's nearly christmas!
2) i've started walking without the boot thing
3) it's nearly christmas!!
4) life is good for once
5) IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!!!
i'm actually getting into the christmas spirit
been walking arounf this evening without my crutches or boot thing so my foot is getting better, mum is a little worried, as mothers do, that i might be pushing things a little too quickly and that i might be doing more damage than good at the moment...yeah it hurts a little, but i did manage to break a boen in my foot (again) in a game of football by falling over! but i'm starting to walk on it after just 10 days, that can't be bad, can it?
anyway, that was all i wanted to say really
laters
Px
Tuesday 21 December 2004
all the sky is brown, and the leaves are grey
no reason for that, but hey...who needs a reason, am i right?
life is continuing along the same lines as it was last week, still got a broken foot, still signed off sick, still bored!
actualy it's update time
foot...although still broken, i've been attempting to walk on it, only with the samson boot thing on, and i can, only use my crutches now when i'm tired or i haven't got the boot thing on...or i'm out of the house and want sympathy or people to move out of my way ;)
off sick...has it's benefits, it means that i haven't used any annual leave up over christmas and i've got 4 whole weeks off, drawback is that i'm bored
bored...well i've been playing burnout 3 and watching tv and dvd's so it's not that bad
ventured out of the house on saturday, managed about an hour in reading before i got pissed off with people pushing past me and then apologising when they realised i was on crutches, they usually realised because they either kicked them or i hit them with one...also made it to the pub in the evening, only managed one pint though, didn't have any more money :(
have had a couple of visitors, my friend laura came to see me, she's now gone to center parcs for a week though, but at least she saw me in the 3 day's she was in the area... also my friend Kat has been to see me, she's here for a week then she's off to barbados for new years...it's alright for some!!! but i think that's it on the visitor front, the family have been arounf, but that was expected...they're family!
found out yesterday from H at castle that the bone i've broken is the load bearing one in the foot and it's going to take a fair while to heal...great, just what i needed to hear, especially as i'm walking on it and probably shouldn't be! according to him, rooney did the 3rd metatarsel in, which is pretty boring and doesn't have as much weight through it as the 5th...although given rooney's such a fat bastard there's probably as much weight going through his 3rd and there is going through my 5th
still not got everyone's presents, going to give up now i think, it's only little things that i needed to get anyway, although i've still got to wrap everything up and get some birthday wrapping paper too...and a birthday card...i'll forget something though, i always do...and no it's not the present i'll forget, i've already got that!
feeling hungry, but i'm also feeling too lazy to go downstairs and get something to eat and a drink, although i'll probably go in a minute anyway!
right i'm off...laters peeps
Px
no reason for that, but hey...who needs a reason, am i right?
life is continuing along the same lines as it was last week, still got a broken foot, still signed off sick, still bored!
actualy it's update time
foot...although still broken, i've been attempting to walk on it, only with the samson boot thing on, and i can, only use my crutches now when i'm tired or i haven't got the boot thing on...or i'm out of the house and want sympathy or people to move out of my way ;)
off sick...has it's benefits, it means that i haven't used any annual leave up over christmas and i've got 4 whole weeks off, drawback is that i'm bored
bored...well i've been playing burnout 3 and watching tv and dvd's so it's not that bad
ventured out of the house on saturday, managed about an hour in reading before i got pissed off with people pushing past me and then apologising when they realised i was on crutches, they usually realised because they either kicked them or i hit them with one...also made it to the pub in the evening, only managed one pint though, didn't have any more money :(
have had a couple of visitors, my friend laura came to see me, she's now gone to center parcs for a week though, but at least she saw me in the 3 day's she was in the area... also my friend Kat has been to see me, she's here for a week then she's off to barbados for new years...it's alright for some!!! but i think that's it on the visitor front, the family have been arounf, but that was expected...they're family!
found out yesterday from H at castle that the bone i've broken is the load bearing one in the foot and it's going to take a fair while to heal...great, just what i needed to hear, especially as i'm walking on it and probably shouldn't be! according to him, rooney did the 3rd metatarsel in, which is pretty boring and doesn't have as much weight through it as the 5th...although given rooney's such a fat bastard there's probably as much weight going through his 3rd and there is going through my 5th
still not got everyone's presents, going to give up now i think, it's only little things that i needed to get anyway, although i've still got to wrap everything up and get some birthday wrapping paper too...and a birthday card...i'll forget something though, i always do...and no it's not the present i'll forget, i've already got that!
feeling hungry, but i'm also feeling too lazy to go downstairs and get something to eat and a drink, although i'll probably go in a minute anyway!
right i'm off...laters peeps
Px
Thursday 16 December 2004
no title today, just going to get straight into it, and today i'm feeling better, the my toes are still a funny colour, but at least i'm feeling better than i was yesterday, maybe it's because i had steak for dinner, maybe it's because i've resigned myself to the fact that the boring monotony of not being able to do stuff easily or get anywhere without blagging a lift or taking a very long time to get there...crutches are useful though, like when you get into bed and realise that the light is still on, stuff like that
the foot itself is a little painful, but i'm tending to ignore it, it's just a pain when i want to get dressed because i have to take the support thing off, get dressed, roll up my trouser leg, pimp style-e, put the brace back on and then roll the leg back down again, that's trouser leg, not middle leg! you dirty people!!!
things are fairly quiet here today, father has taken it upon himself to do the xmas decorations, i can't help him this year...YES!!!!!! ha ha...another thing i've got out of doing!!!
(oops...too manys "!"'s making myself look like a deranged psycho)
no other news for the moment, dad buried the bird in the garden yesterday, he got rather emotional over it, but that was to be expected a little...
right i'm outta here
need to think of a way of getting those last few presents
take care peeps
Px
the foot itself is a little painful, but i'm tending to ignore it, it's just a pain when i want to get dressed because i have to take the support thing off, get dressed, roll up my trouser leg, pimp style-e, put the brace back on and then roll the leg back down again, that's trouser leg, not middle leg! you dirty people!!!
things are fairly quiet here today, father has taken it upon himself to do the xmas decorations, i can't help him this year...YES!!!!!! ha ha...another thing i've got out of doing!!!
(oops...too manys "!"'s making myself look like a deranged psycho)
no other news for the moment, dad buried the bird in the garden yesterday, he got rather emotional over it, but that was to be expected a little...
right i'm outta here
need to think of a way of getting those last few presents
take care peeps
Px
Wednesday 15 December 2004
Monday 13 December 2004
break it like beckham...
it was the company's 5-a-side football tournament last night...and normally you'll all know that i'm not really someone who goes in for the physical stuff of any sort, but this once i thought i'd make an exception, just once mind...
well the tourney started ok, we lost 4-0, then 3-0 (we were getting better), then 1-0 (better still), then we were 1-0 down in our penultimate match when i committed to what would be my last tackle of the match. i went in to take the ball away and stood on my opponants foot, rolled my ankle underneath me and as a result fractured my 5th metatarsel, much like wayne rooney and david beckham have both done. initially i thought that this would not be a problem, yeah it hurt, but i though i'd just sprained my foot, when i couldn't stand on it i was a little more concerned and when i took my shoe off i realised that something was wrong. Normal i'd have not bothered with it, but the swelling on my foot was just in front of the metal plate which i've already got in my foot (long story, maybe another time), this was a bit more of a concern. I did my own first aid on it and got someone else to sign it off for me, because i'm that sensible that if i'd done something wrong someone else would get the blame for it! I thought that looking at it i'd maybe broken it, but i wasn't 100% sure so i asked a couple of people what they thought, not mentioning the metal plate, because i didn't wnat to have to explain that away too...someone said that they thought it was probably just ligament damage. Still i couldn't drive home like it so i had to call my mother dear to see if i could get a lift or something. My brother came, but he'd had a few bevies during the day so i was still stuck, he had a look at it too, he said that it probably wasn't broken, but seeing as it was on the foot with the plate in it i should go to the hospital and have it checked out as there may be some other form of internal damage. was in and out of hospital in under an hour and a half, pretty bloody quick for the JR! x-rays showed up a fracture to the 5th metatarsel, i'd chipped a little bit off the end of it, near to the plate, so it's possible that the plate did it... anyway, i got plastered up and given crutches and an appointment to go back today.
I've been back there this morning and i'm still on crutches, but they've given me a funky support thing, like the back half and underneath of a welly and a big velcro thing to go inside it... it still hurts, but i've been told that i should be able to start weight bearing through this boot thing in a week or so, and take things from there. Unfortunately this means that i'm going to be on crutches for a while over xmas probably and i'm kinda stuck at my folks place, which also means that i can't finish my xmas shopping without a helping hand from someone who can drive me to the shops and help me with the various stuff that i'll have bought...bugger!
on the up side i've been signed off work for the next 4 weeks and i can return after that on light duties if i can get there. next hospital appointment is in 6 weeks so effectively i could be off work until then, if not longer!
it still hurts a little now, but it's more uncomfortable than anything!
in other news, the site xmas party was a good laugh, me and chunk decided to shock everyone and go suited and booted, although we decided to avoid the ties because they looked too formal... i didn't drink too much as i had to be up early on sunday (yesterday) to get to work and then play football. but it was a good night and we all had a bit of a laugh.
i forgot to mention that the site team came 5th (out of 6) and we drew the game that i got injured 1-1 and then finally the boys done proud against the head office team and drew 0-0 there...so all in all it was cool!
right i'd better be going, still not caught up on my sleep since thursday's managers do :)
take care peeps and get in touch, it's not like i've got much else to do at the moment now that i'm off sick
laters peeps
Px
it was the company's 5-a-side football tournament last night...and normally you'll all know that i'm not really someone who goes in for the physical stuff of any sort, but this once i thought i'd make an exception, just once mind...
well the tourney started ok, we lost 4-0, then 3-0 (we were getting better), then 1-0 (better still), then we were 1-0 down in our penultimate match when i committed to what would be my last tackle of the match. i went in to take the ball away and stood on my opponants foot, rolled my ankle underneath me and as a result fractured my 5th metatarsel, much like wayne rooney and david beckham have both done. initially i thought that this would not be a problem, yeah it hurt, but i though i'd just sprained my foot, when i couldn't stand on it i was a little more concerned and when i took my shoe off i realised that something was wrong. Normal i'd have not bothered with it, but the swelling on my foot was just in front of the metal plate which i've already got in my foot (long story, maybe another time), this was a bit more of a concern. I did my own first aid on it and got someone else to sign it off for me, because i'm that sensible that if i'd done something wrong someone else would get the blame for it! I thought that looking at it i'd maybe broken it, but i wasn't 100% sure so i asked a couple of people what they thought, not mentioning the metal plate, because i didn't wnat to have to explain that away too...someone said that they thought it was probably just ligament damage. Still i couldn't drive home like it so i had to call my mother dear to see if i could get a lift or something. My brother came, but he'd had a few bevies during the day so i was still stuck, he had a look at it too, he said that it probably wasn't broken, but seeing as it was on the foot with the plate in it i should go to the hospital and have it checked out as there may be some other form of internal damage. was in and out of hospital in under an hour and a half, pretty bloody quick for the JR! x-rays showed up a fracture to the 5th metatarsel, i'd chipped a little bit off the end of it, near to the plate, so it's possible that the plate did it... anyway, i got plastered up and given crutches and an appointment to go back today.
I've been back there this morning and i'm still on crutches, but they've given me a funky support thing, like the back half and underneath of a welly and a big velcro thing to go inside it... it still hurts, but i've been told that i should be able to start weight bearing through this boot thing in a week or so, and take things from there. Unfortunately this means that i'm going to be on crutches for a while over xmas probably and i'm kinda stuck at my folks place, which also means that i can't finish my xmas shopping without a helping hand from someone who can drive me to the shops and help me with the various stuff that i'll have bought...bugger!
on the up side i've been signed off work for the next 4 weeks and i can return after that on light duties if i can get there. next hospital appointment is in 6 weeks so effectively i could be off work until then, if not longer!
it still hurts a little now, but it's more uncomfortable than anything!
in other news, the site xmas party was a good laugh, me and chunk decided to shock everyone and go suited and booted, although we decided to avoid the ties because they looked too formal... i didn't drink too much as i had to be up early on sunday (yesterday) to get to work and then play football. but it was a good night and we all had a bit of a laugh.
i forgot to mention that the site team came 5th (out of 6) and we drew the game that i got injured 1-1 and then finally the boys done proud against the head office team and drew 0-0 there...so all in all it was cool!
right i'd better be going, still not caught up on my sleep since thursday's managers do :)
take care peeps and get in touch, it's not like i've got much else to do at the moment now that i'm off sick
laters peeps
Px
Friday 10 December 2004
pondering
feeling better now :)
although have been bouncing between feeling ok and not ok
have been thinking about what i want to do with my life...real deep and meaningful stuff, but i got bored and put i,robot on again...
i'm sure there was a proper reason for me starting this thing this time, but i'm damned if i can remember what it was...
didn't go back to bed in the end
remembered that the head of operations last night set me a challenge as a single bloke...was quite funny and i managed to complete part of it...not really sure if i should go into too much detail, but i failed it due to lack of photographic evidence... say no more
right, i'm out seeing as i can't remember what the fuck i was on about now
Px
feeling better now :)
although have been bouncing between feeling ok and not ok
have been thinking about what i want to do with my life...real deep and meaningful stuff, but i got bored and put i,robot on again...
i'm sure there was a proper reason for me starting this thing this time, but i'm damned if i can remember what it was...
didn't go back to bed in the end
remembered that the head of operations last night set me a challenge as a single bloke...was quite funny and i managed to complete part of it...not really sure if i should go into too much detail, but i failed it due to lack of photographic evidence... say no more
right, i'm out seeing as i can't remember what the fuck i was on about now
Px
fuff as ruck...
actually enjoyed myself last night
got rather pissed, but not totally wasted
nearly crashed at the hotel overnight...even though i didn't have a room
eventually got in at 3.45am
it's now a little after 9am and i got up at 8.30
don't think i made a tit out of myself, certainly didn't do any dancing...good thing!
feeling not too bad this morning...surprisingly!
didn't pull anyone from head office or any of the sites...good thing! although it's a christmas party and i was told you're supposed to...
had a long drawn out chat with one of the senior management team from head office...probably not a good thing, but you never know, although i did tell him that i wanted his job within 5 years
feeling really tired and hot, might consider returning to my pit in a minute...good thing!
phone battery died so i couldn't be bad last night...very good thing!!!
couldn't find the charger when i got in...even better thing!!!!
couldn't find the charger when i woke up...not too good, but i've found it now so it's ok, but i don't need to do any apologising anyway so it's ok
right think i'm going to go back to bed shortly, or i might get in the bath and have a prolonged soak
laters people
Px
actually enjoyed myself last night
got rather pissed, but not totally wasted
nearly crashed at the hotel overnight...even though i didn't have a room
eventually got in at 3.45am
it's now a little after 9am and i got up at 8.30
don't think i made a tit out of myself, certainly didn't do any dancing...good thing!
feeling not too bad this morning...surprisingly!
didn't pull anyone from head office or any of the sites...good thing! although it's a christmas party and i was told you're supposed to...
had a long drawn out chat with one of the senior management team from head office...probably not a good thing, but you never know, although i did tell him that i wanted his job within 5 years
feeling really tired and hot, might consider returning to my pit in a minute...good thing!
phone battery died so i couldn't be bad last night...very good thing!!!
couldn't find the charger when i got in...even better thing!!!!
couldn't find the charger when i woke up...not too good, but i've found it now so it's ok, but i don't need to do any apologising anyway so it's ok
right think i'm going to go back to bed shortly, or i might get in the bath and have a prolonged soak
laters people
Px
Thursday 9 December 2004
everyone tells me i'm closed minded - Vision
and by vision i don't mean the crappy band that were around when we were at school...i mean a cool punk group from somewhere in california (i think)
so it's thursday...and i'm supposed to be going to the "corporate team building event" which will consist of a meeting this afternoon, followed by dinner this evening and some dodgy abba tribute band after that...i'm really looking forward to it...honest i am!
went to the cinema last night, saw christmas with the kranks, wasn't as bad as i was excpeting, actually surprised that it's based on a john grisham novel called skipping christmas, which was a term that was possibly a little over used during the film. the idea of seeing it was to give me a christmas spirit injection, but it failed...
the actual christmas shopping thing isn't going too badly, but i'm getting tired of people telling me to use my imagination and the like, if i hear that once more i'm going to shit in a box and give it to them...HINT HINT!
not feeling as stressed at the moment, but then i've not got a lot to be stressed about, i guess...have turned down my mates offer of his spare room for the time being, going to look for my own place in about 6 months after i've had time to save up some cash and get a few things sorted in my head and that, besides i don't know where i'll be in 6 months time so i'm thinking logically here, kinda anyway
have given up on the idea of a digital camera for christmas, just going to hunt a decent one down in the sales ;) preferable around the 4MP mark and with pictbridge and then i'll look at getting the printer thing at some point too...but we'll see, got to look for a laptop too
i'm sure there was something i wanted to whinge about, but i can't remember what it was now anyway...my memory's going now that i'm getting old! or maybe i'm just all whinged out...nah, that's not it!
ate a dodgy cheese and onion roll...sausage roll type thing, only with out the sausage...nasty...i suddenly remembered why my dad buys them...because he likes them and i don't... bastard! anyway i'm going to eat all the pate because i like that, but he likes it more than me ;)
been told that i need a haircut, can't be bothered at the moment, told my mother dear that i was going to wait until february until i was going to get it done again...not sure if i'll be able to wait that long, but i'm going to give it a try...
got to wear a shirt and tie tonight :( decided again wearing a suit though because i'll probably lose the jacket! supposed to be wearing something smart/casual this afternoon, not sure what yet though, might just put a jumper on over my shirt, if only i still had a leisure connection shirt ;) supposed to be wearing my name badge too, but i have a sinking feeling that it went to ireland with us and stayed there as i've not seen it since :( i know my whistle made it safely there and back again, but sadly the name badge didn't...there's probably someone over in dublin wandering around with my name badge on, trying to steal my identity... maybe i should just turn up in ripped and diry jeans, a rude t-shirt and my FM beanie, i'm sure that would go down a storm! they don't like the fact that i've got an earring, but they haven't told me to take it out yet so balls to them! although i'm going to stick with a subtle one for tonight and stretch it back up again over christmas i think
monday is the day of all the meetings starting at 8.30 am through to i think about 12, then i'm supposed to be on shift from 3 to 10.30...bugger that i've said i'll work to 6 then one of the lifeguards can cover DM for the evening, it's not like it's going to be busy, it's never busy over xmas
still sat in my pj's at the moment...can't be bothered to get dressed yet, need to have a shower after lunch so i haven't bothered getting dressed yet...
was reading back through my old blogs the other day...i talk to much, but then looking at the size of this post you knew that already!
btw, if you know woja and read his blog, the very last pic on the dublin post...the one of me...the reason for the dodgy face is because someone (woja) had just let one rip and i felt the need to drink up and escape before the ceiling melted!!!
right i guess i'd beter head off and finish losing to woja at minesweeper flags or whatever it's called
Px
and by vision i don't mean the crappy band that were around when we were at school...i mean a cool punk group from somewhere in california (i think)
so it's thursday...and i'm supposed to be going to the "corporate team building event" which will consist of a meeting this afternoon, followed by dinner this evening and some dodgy abba tribute band after that...i'm really looking forward to it...honest i am!
went to the cinema last night, saw christmas with the kranks, wasn't as bad as i was excpeting, actually surprised that it's based on a john grisham novel called skipping christmas, which was a term that was possibly a little over used during the film. the idea of seeing it was to give me a christmas spirit injection, but it failed...
the actual christmas shopping thing isn't going too badly, but i'm getting tired of people telling me to use my imagination and the like, if i hear that once more i'm going to shit in a box and give it to them...HINT HINT!
not feeling as stressed at the moment, but then i've not got a lot to be stressed about, i guess...have turned down my mates offer of his spare room for the time being, going to look for my own place in about 6 months after i've had time to save up some cash and get a few things sorted in my head and that, besides i don't know where i'll be in 6 months time so i'm thinking logically here, kinda anyway
have given up on the idea of a digital camera for christmas, just going to hunt a decent one down in the sales ;) preferable around the 4MP mark and with pictbridge and then i'll look at getting the printer thing at some point too...but we'll see, got to look for a laptop too
i'm sure there was something i wanted to whinge about, but i can't remember what it was now anyway...my memory's going now that i'm getting old! or maybe i'm just all whinged out...nah, that's not it!
ate a dodgy cheese and onion roll...sausage roll type thing, only with out the sausage...nasty...i suddenly remembered why my dad buys them...because he likes them and i don't... bastard! anyway i'm going to eat all the pate because i like that, but he likes it more than me ;)
been told that i need a haircut, can't be bothered at the moment, told my mother dear that i was going to wait until february until i was going to get it done again...not sure if i'll be able to wait that long, but i'm going to give it a try...
got to wear a shirt and tie tonight :( decided again wearing a suit though because i'll probably lose the jacket! supposed to be wearing something smart/casual this afternoon, not sure what yet though, might just put a jumper on over my shirt, if only i still had a leisure connection shirt ;) supposed to be wearing my name badge too, but i have a sinking feeling that it went to ireland with us and stayed there as i've not seen it since :( i know my whistle made it safely there and back again, but sadly the name badge didn't...there's probably someone over in dublin wandering around with my name badge on, trying to steal my identity... maybe i should just turn up in ripped and diry jeans, a rude t-shirt and my FM beanie, i'm sure that would go down a storm! they don't like the fact that i've got an earring, but they haven't told me to take it out yet so balls to them! although i'm going to stick with a subtle one for tonight and stretch it back up again over christmas i think
monday is the day of all the meetings starting at 8.30 am through to i think about 12, then i'm supposed to be on shift from 3 to 10.30...bugger that i've said i'll work to 6 then one of the lifeguards can cover DM for the evening, it's not like it's going to be busy, it's never busy over xmas
still sat in my pj's at the moment...can't be bothered to get dressed yet, need to have a shower after lunch so i haven't bothered getting dressed yet...
was reading back through my old blogs the other day...i talk to much, but then looking at the size of this post you knew that already!
btw, if you know woja and read his blog, the very last pic on the dublin post...the one of me...the reason for the dodgy face is because someone (woja) had just let one rip and i felt the need to drink up and escape before the ceiling melted!!!
right i guess i'd beter head off and finish losing to woja at minesweeper flags or whatever it's called
Px
Monday 6 December 2004
Suffering from IBS (Irritable Blogger Syndrome)
and it's stress related...
i'm bored at work so i thought i'd do a very quick blog update just to say that work is bored and crap really, but i've got a few members of staff in tonight so i can "get on with my work" but there's nothing that i really want to do tonight apart from sit here and do nothing...
not in the mood at the moment...typical at the moment, i'm not in the mood for anything at the moment
i'm supposed to be going xmas shopping again tomorrow, need someone to go with me to motivate me into doing it though because i'm feeling really lazy and i'll only spend money on me if i go on my own :(
right i should get on with something
..remember if you don't ask you won't get...
Px
and it's stress related...
i'm bored at work so i thought i'd do a very quick blog update just to say that work is bored and crap really, but i've got a few members of staff in tonight so i can "get on with my work" but there's nothing that i really want to do tonight apart from sit here and do nothing...
not in the mood at the moment...typical at the moment, i'm not in the mood for anything at the moment
i'm supposed to be going xmas shopping again tomorrow, need someone to go with me to motivate me into doing it though because i'm feeling really lazy and i'll only spend money on me if i go on my own :(
right i should get on with something
..remember if you don't ask you won't get...
Px
Bah Humbug!!!
i am scrooge
i have decided that christmas this year is going to stress me out and just plain get on my nerves...
i tried to do the shopping at the weekend, i spent more money on me than i did on anyone else! and to top it all off i actually only got 2 presents anyway! pathetic
put up the lights outside the house today...father needed a hand so i spent all my time standing at the bottom of the ladder...what a useful and fulfilling existence!
people, if you don't ask you won't get...email me or add a message if you want something for christmas otherwise, seriously, you'll miss out!
had a pants weekend, there was the dinner on thursday, pub on friday and again on saturday and then i was supposed to be going to the cinema on sunday, but the person i was going with pulled out at the last minute. dinner was bearable, but i wasn't in the mood, the pub on friday was crap, saturday i went to little sarah's birthday party for a little while, saw some old friends which was pretty good, then went to the pub in wallyford again, wasn't that entertaining. and well other than that i've been really bored
definately not feeling the christmas spirit, got 2 christmas dinners to go to this week, both for work, both i'm going to have to drive to get to, both will probably be boring, both i'll probably leave early from, both i'm thinking of pulling out of...
been chatting to a lot of people recently and they all seem to be stressed about one thing or another, be it work, people, people at work, prospective boy/girlfriends, current boy/girlfriends, life in general...the list goes on! for me it's living at home and probably the time of year too
i have the option of moving in with a mate in thame, but i'm not sure if i want t oget into sharing a place, i'd much rather be on my own i think, that way i'm less likely to piss people off and vice-versa...still need to think about it a little more, besides moving in somewhere will tie me into a contract and therefore i'll have to stick around a little longer and in my job a little longer...
always searching for a new job, never finding one though...still life goes on, something will turn up eventually...hopefully
right...i'm out
Px
i am scrooge
i have decided that christmas this year is going to stress me out and just plain get on my nerves...
i tried to do the shopping at the weekend, i spent more money on me than i did on anyone else! and to top it all off i actually only got 2 presents anyway! pathetic
put up the lights outside the house today...father needed a hand so i spent all my time standing at the bottom of the ladder...what a useful and fulfilling existence!
people, if you don't ask you won't get...email me or add a message if you want something for christmas otherwise, seriously, you'll miss out!
had a pants weekend, there was the dinner on thursday, pub on friday and again on saturday and then i was supposed to be going to the cinema on sunday, but the person i was going with pulled out at the last minute. dinner was bearable, but i wasn't in the mood, the pub on friday was crap, saturday i went to little sarah's birthday party for a little while, saw some old friends which was pretty good, then went to the pub in wallyford again, wasn't that entertaining. and well other than that i've been really bored
definately not feeling the christmas spirit, got 2 christmas dinners to go to this week, both for work, both i'm going to have to drive to get to, both will probably be boring, both i'll probably leave early from, both i'm thinking of pulling out of...
been chatting to a lot of people recently and they all seem to be stressed about one thing or another, be it work, people, people at work, prospective boy/girlfriends, current boy/girlfriends, life in general...the list goes on! for me it's living at home and probably the time of year too
i have the option of moving in with a mate in thame, but i'm not sure if i want t oget into sharing a place, i'd much rather be on my own i think, that way i'm less likely to piss people off and vice-versa...still need to think about it a little more, besides moving in somewhere will tie me into a contract and therefore i'll have to stick around a little longer and in my job a little longer...
always searching for a new job, never finding one though...still life goes on, something will turn up eventually...hopefully
right...i'm out
Px
Sunday 5 December 2004
Thursday 2 December 2004
stupid porn IM's
have recieved 3 porn IM's today in an hour, all offering to let me look at a webcam...i'm thinking of putting an atuo response on my IM thingy with aol reaging as follows:
"piss off..you're the 3rd porn im today...i'm not interested, i can find porn on my own thank you very much!"
'nuff said
Px
have recieved 3 porn IM's today in an hour, all offering to let me look at a webcam...i'm thinking of putting an atuo response on my IM thingy with aol reaging as follows:
"piss off..you're the 3rd porn im today...i'm not interested, i can find porn on my own thank you very much!"
'nuff said
Px
It's my life so just leave me be!
am tired of people telling me stuff that i should and should not do, people who i should and should not see...i'm i'm closer to 30 now than i really want to be, so logically i should be allowed to make my own mistakes and live my life by my rules...yes? NO! i have to be told what's good for me, who i should and shouldn't associate with and many other things...will you please just let me make my own mistakes and learn from them!
sorry, that's not aimed at anyone who will actually read this, but i needed to get it out
living with my parents is driving me loopy, loopy insane, loopy mad, loopy pissed off and miserable!
work is becoming a joke...i have a breakfast meeting, followed by a H&S meeting, followed by some other meeting, these should finish by about 1 pm, then after them i've got the delights of a full shift, finishing at 10.30...a 14 hour day, sounds good doesn't it...i bet you're all jealous of that baby! especially as i won't be allowed to claim overtime for the extra 7 hours that i'm doing that day! especially as to claim the leiu hours that i'll be given i've 1) got to find my own cover and 2) actually be allowed to have a day off!!!
still xmas is coming and that's somthing to look forward to right? tonight i've got to go out with my parents for a xmas dinner that has been arranged by my mum and some of her workmates...not too bad, i don't have to pay for anything and i'll get fed...except that stupid psycho stalker girl is probably going to be there and she'll complain that i'm not talking to her and get in a huff with me because of it! NOT MY FAULT...NOT MY PROBLEM...GROW UP!!! her younger sister is going to be there, i might flirt with her just to wind up the stalker...NO MEANS NO...how evil am i? i've tried to tell her that i'm seeing someone, that i'm not interested and generally put her off the idea, but she just doesn't take a hint...have a word! at the moment she is convinced that i'm seeing a girl that i met for the first time last week...she's so convinced that i'm seeing this person that she's told her mum, who in turn has told my mum, who doing the dutiful mother bit has told me she doesn't want me seeing anyone under 20, this girl is 19, which is fine with me, i have no intention of dating someone under 20, but where do they get off telling me that i can't? where does stalker girl get off messing with my life? especially after she said that it's none of her business who i see and that...which is right, it is none of her business, but still she meddles, trying to get her own way...doing things like that will make me pissed off and angry with her, more than i am anyway with her not taking no as an answer!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
on a lighter note, i've made a poor attempt at re-writing the classic Soul Man from Blues Brothers, for a company song SOLL Man, SOLL being the company i work for at the moment... it's pretty poor, but it's something to do while i'm at work and seeing as i have such a lot of spare time at the moment when i'm there, i see no harm in it...besides i've taken a great song and made a crap version of it which will never see the light of day anyway!
this is another ranting and long blog, sorry peoples!
weekend off...yay!
xmas shopping to do...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!
peoples...if you want something you need to tell me, i'm intending on getting stuff out of the way asap this year, although i say that every year...so emails or comments saying what you want, and then to make things easier for me, tell me what i can actually get you...woja, you've been dealt with, both xmas and birthday, and yes, you've got two seperate presents!
not looking forward to xmas this year, mxas is too commercial and costs a small fortune every year, i can already see that the credit card is going to take a bit of a bashing...oh well!
happy birthday to little sarah who apparently still reads my blog (...dunno why) who's birthday is soon so i'm told (her party's this weekend...bit of a give away of an impending birthday if you ask me)
right that's me done
take care peeps
Laters
Px
am tired of people telling me stuff that i should and should not do, people who i should and should not see...i'm i'm closer to 30 now than i really want to be, so logically i should be allowed to make my own mistakes and live my life by my rules...yes? NO! i have to be told what's good for me, who i should and shouldn't associate with and many other things...will you please just let me make my own mistakes and learn from them!
sorry, that's not aimed at anyone who will actually read this, but i needed to get it out
living with my parents is driving me loopy, loopy insane, loopy mad, loopy pissed off and miserable!
work is becoming a joke...i have a breakfast meeting, followed by a H&S meeting, followed by some other meeting, these should finish by about 1 pm, then after them i've got the delights of a full shift, finishing at 10.30...a 14 hour day, sounds good doesn't it...i bet you're all jealous of that baby! especially as i won't be allowed to claim overtime for the extra 7 hours that i'm doing that day! especially as to claim the leiu hours that i'll be given i've 1) got to find my own cover and 2) actually be allowed to have a day off!!!
still xmas is coming and that's somthing to look forward to right? tonight i've got to go out with my parents for a xmas dinner that has been arranged by my mum and some of her workmates...not too bad, i don't have to pay for anything and i'll get fed...except that stupid psycho stalker girl is probably going to be there and she'll complain that i'm not talking to her and get in a huff with me because of it! NOT MY FAULT...NOT MY PROBLEM...GROW UP!!! her younger sister is going to be there, i might flirt with her just to wind up the stalker...NO MEANS NO...how evil am i? i've tried to tell her that i'm seeing someone, that i'm not interested and generally put her off the idea, but she just doesn't take a hint...have a word! at the moment she is convinced that i'm seeing a girl that i met for the first time last week...she's so convinced that i'm seeing this person that she's told her mum, who in turn has told my mum, who doing the dutiful mother bit has told me she doesn't want me seeing anyone under 20, this girl is 19, which is fine with me, i have no intention of dating someone under 20, but where do they get off telling me that i can't? where does stalker girl get off messing with my life? especially after she said that it's none of her business who i see and that...which is right, it is none of her business, but still she meddles, trying to get her own way...doing things like that will make me pissed off and angry with her, more than i am anyway with her not taking no as an answer!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
on a lighter note, i've made a poor attempt at re-writing the classic Soul Man from Blues Brothers, for a company song SOLL Man, SOLL being the company i work for at the moment... it's pretty poor, but it's something to do while i'm at work and seeing as i have such a lot of spare time at the moment when i'm there, i see no harm in it...besides i've taken a great song and made a crap version of it which will never see the light of day anyway!
this is another ranting and long blog, sorry peoples!
weekend off...yay!
xmas shopping to do...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!
peoples...if you want something you need to tell me, i'm intending on getting stuff out of the way asap this year, although i say that every year...so emails or comments saying what you want, and then to make things easier for me, tell me what i can actually get you...woja, you've been dealt with, both xmas and birthday, and yes, you've got two seperate presents!
not looking forward to xmas this year, mxas is too commercial and costs a small fortune every year, i can already see that the credit card is going to take a bit of a bashing...oh well!
happy birthday to little sarah who apparently still reads my blog (...dunno why) who's birthday is soon so i'm told (her party's this weekend...bit of a give away of an impending birthday if you ask me)
right that's me done
take care peeps
Laters
Px
Monday 29 November 2004
Done and dusted
Have completed a second training course, can now train lifeguards to the highest of standards, as set by myself!
have also come to the conclusion that in training lifeguards i can start my own evil army of disciples and forcibly take over the world from within the ranks of the health and leisure sector...pure genius, while remaining wholly EVIL!!! loving it!
actually feeling pretty crap, am tired of living with parents as usual, but have discovered that they still argue and bicker as much as ever, if not more than before, about the most trivial and petty of things, the other day in was about the (lack of) use of the dishwasher that resides in the kitchen never being used, before that it was about cutting the roast dinner up, other topics have been the dog, the funny smell in the kitchen (probably coming from the dog in one form or other), the way my dad drives, decorating, the new table and who marked it (it's only been here a week)...pointless topics, irritatingly pointless, but loud arguments about nothing really!
have seen the lovely vic and baby aisha again, both mother and baby are doing well, even if the fella tried to burn down the kitchen and now everywhere smells like burnt pizza! still haven't met said fella!
really clever boss today asked me to make sure that the H&S IMS file was up to date, for those of you how have no idea what i'm on about, it's the file that contains all the current health and safety procedurs, therefore fairly important. New/updated procedures come out on a monthly basis, usually 2 or 3 a month, these are re-written by my good self so that they are relevent to the centre and are easy enough for the other DM's to be able to understand them. Once i've worked my magic, these get passed on to my boss who "reads" them and signs off the actions that have been completed, once he's done that he should be filing them in the afore mentioned file. when i get my grubby little mitts on it today i'm confronted with missing documents and poor filing...turns out that i needed to reproduce 4 of the documents, one of which was later found hiding in a different section of the file, behind something else that shouldn't have even been there! but when i asked as to the whereabouts of my missing paperwork, the boss looked blankly and said he didn't know and that he'd lost it...SUPERB!!! was not impressed and had to re-write them all again, only took about an hour because i'm pre-emptive and i back everything up on the hard drive and on floppy disc too, but i still couldn't find one which made me look stupid because i then had to email other sites and get their version! Not Amused.
Stupid DM has been using my email account, she sent an email to head office, which has 25 staff all grouped under the same email address which made me look stupid and as though i didn't know how to use a computer...i emailed an apology for their incompetence, especially seeing as she also read some of my personal email...stupid wench! but have since put a password protect on my email as well as on my user id...many thanks to woja for the assist!
am not overly impressed with certain individuals at the moment, but until i'm ruling the world there's nothing i can do about them but ignore them
thankfully i've managed to avoid getting into "I'm a celeb..." this year, although mother dear is hooked and father dear therefore spends more time on his own in the kitchen, with the dog, not sure who's creating the smells in there, but it's being blamed on the poor woofer!
more work stuff...had to take stupid photo of me from when i was little in to work today so that when we have the H/O and managers meal next week sometime everyone can try and guess which pic is of who, mother dear suggested that i use a pic of when i was in fancy dress for halloween, wearing a bedsheet and mask, but i thought that was a little unfair seeing as the pic i chose lookse nothing like me anyway. btw i have been personally invited by the MD to attend this function, not sure why, but the other DM's from my centre are not going, probably because they're too thick and no-one really likes them enough, whereas me, i've not been there long enough to make enemies, apart from these DM's and that's only because i'm paid more than they are...still not paid what i'm worth though...i'd like to see them re-produce 4 documents in an hour, even if they had the originals and only had to photocopy them they wouldn't be able to do it... but like i said, until i'm druling the world i've just got to suffer their ignorance!
peeps who need thanx and congrats:
woja...for coming to the Dub with me and for finally realising that diesil is the way to go;
jen...for getting some decent progress on her dissertation;
DK...for a lovely pic and getting an award for something and for her b'day.
peeps who should be taken outside and shot as it's the best thing for them:
DM's & boss...for making me do work that didn't need to be done/had been done already/making me look stupid (yeah i know that the last one is easy, but i don't need any help from THEM)
Stupid stalker girl...for inviting me to her house 2 weeks on the trot, even though i said no the first time, for getting jealous when i went to see bridget jones without her, for thinking that she can have anything more than a friendship (which she is seriously testing) with me
right...that's enough, i'm missing ready steady cook and my back is starting to ache a little from hunching in front of the computer. thanks for actually reading this blog and letting me let off some steam in the general direction of the computer and you indirectly
going now
take care
laters peeps
Px
Have completed a second training course, can now train lifeguards to the highest of standards, as set by myself!
have also come to the conclusion that in training lifeguards i can start my own evil army of disciples and forcibly take over the world from within the ranks of the health and leisure sector...pure genius, while remaining wholly EVIL!!! loving it!
actually feeling pretty crap, am tired of living with parents as usual, but have discovered that they still argue and bicker as much as ever, if not more than before, about the most trivial and petty of things, the other day in was about the (lack of) use of the dishwasher that resides in the kitchen never being used, before that it was about cutting the roast dinner up, other topics have been the dog, the funny smell in the kitchen (probably coming from the dog in one form or other), the way my dad drives, decorating, the new table and who marked it (it's only been here a week)...pointless topics, irritatingly pointless, but loud arguments about nothing really!
have seen the lovely vic and baby aisha again, both mother and baby are doing well, even if the fella tried to burn down the kitchen and now everywhere smells like burnt pizza! still haven't met said fella!
really clever boss today asked me to make sure that the H&S IMS file was up to date, for those of you how have no idea what i'm on about, it's the file that contains all the current health and safety procedurs, therefore fairly important. New/updated procedures come out on a monthly basis, usually 2 or 3 a month, these are re-written by my good self so that they are relevent to the centre and are easy enough for the other DM's to be able to understand them. Once i've worked my magic, these get passed on to my boss who "reads" them and signs off the actions that have been completed, once he's done that he should be filing them in the afore mentioned file. when i get my grubby little mitts on it today i'm confronted with missing documents and poor filing...turns out that i needed to reproduce 4 of the documents, one of which was later found hiding in a different section of the file, behind something else that shouldn't have even been there! but when i asked as to the whereabouts of my missing paperwork, the boss looked blankly and said he didn't know and that he'd lost it...SUPERB!!! was not impressed and had to re-write them all again, only took about an hour because i'm pre-emptive and i back everything up on the hard drive and on floppy disc too, but i still couldn't find one which made me look stupid because i then had to email other sites and get their version! Not Amused.
Stupid DM has been using my email account, she sent an email to head office, which has 25 staff all grouped under the same email address which made me look stupid and as though i didn't know how to use a computer...i emailed an apology for their incompetence, especially seeing as she also read some of my personal email...stupid wench! but have since put a password protect on my email as well as on my user id...many thanks to woja for the assist!
am not overly impressed with certain individuals at the moment, but until i'm ruling the world there's nothing i can do about them but ignore them
thankfully i've managed to avoid getting into "I'm a celeb..." this year, although mother dear is hooked and father dear therefore spends more time on his own in the kitchen, with the dog, not sure who's creating the smells in there, but it's being blamed on the poor woofer!
more work stuff...had to take stupid photo of me from when i was little in to work today so that when we have the H/O and managers meal next week sometime everyone can try and guess which pic is of who, mother dear suggested that i use a pic of when i was in fancy dress for halloween, wearing a bedsheet and mask, but i thought that was a little unfair seeing as the pic i chose lookse nothing like me anyway. btw i have been personally invited by the MD to attend this function, not sure why, but the other DM's from my centre are not going, probably because they're too thick and no-one really likes them enough, whereas me, i've not been there long enough to make enemies, apart from these DM's and that's only because i'm paid more than they are...still not paid what i'm worth though...i'd like to see them re-produce 4 documents in an hour, even if they had the originals and only had to photocopy them they wouldn't be able to do it... but like i said, until i'm druling the world i've just got to suffer their ignorance!
peeps who need thanx and congrats:
woja...for coming to the Dub with me and for finally realising that diesil is the way to go;
jen...for getting some decent progress on her dissertation;
DK...for a lovely pic and getting an award for something and for her b'day.
peeps who should be taken outside and shot as it's the best thing for them:
DM's & boss...for making me do work that didn't need to be done/had been done already/making me look stupid (yeah i know that the last one is easy, but i don't need any help from THEM)
Stupid stalker girl...for inviting me to her house 2 weeks on the trot, even though i said no the first time, for getting jealous when i went to see bridget jones without her, for thinking that she can have anything more than a friendship (which she is seriously testing) with me
right...that's enough, i'm missing ready steady cook and my back is starting to ache a little from hunching in front of the computer. thanks for actually reading this blog and letting me let off some steam in the general direction of the computer and you indirectly
going now
take care
laters peeps
Px
Monday 22 November 2004
Sorry!
I've been told off for not blogging for a while, so sorry, i've been busy, but i know that's no excuse
living with the parents isn't really working very well, although i did manage to get a half decent lay-in this morning.
birthday celebration was in ireland, was very cool...very drunken, we visited something like 20 pubs of varying description..including ones called the hairy lemon, the bleeding horse and Peter's Pub, had to go in the last one really, irish rule that you can't go past a pub with your name on it. started drinking at 11 on my birthday, the original pub that we were going to start in was just unbolting it's doors as we walked past and we decided that going straight in there would be a little keen. spent some time in a couple of pubs in Temple Bar, all good. must say that there are a shed load of lovely looking women in dublin...count of women seen since coming back on tuesday last week has been about 10..not such good pickings in the uk...
nothing much to report, been on a trainging course so now i'm qualified to train lifeguards at about £15-£20 per hour...it's all good, on another course on thursday coming so that i can teach the other module of the lifeguard qualification which means when i run a full course of 40 hours i can earn a few quid (something like £600-£800 per full course) how good is that?
been to see alfie and bridget jones 2 recently, liked both, would recommend both, but don't sit in the front row, we had to for bridget jones and it wasn't good :(
bought the new harry potter dvd, not had time to watch it yet though, and red dwarf series 5 dvd with free starbug model...it's all good, watched most o fthat last night, but fell asleep during the last episode (back to reality) so i've got to watch that one again tonight :) also got the new eminem album, the new me first and the gimme gimmes album too, both are pretty good
work is ok, bit boring, but ok, i'm there now which just shows how interesting it is tonight!!!
better get back to it really, but i just can't be bothered
do you blame me?
didn't get the job at thame, they gave it to someone without any leisure centre related qualification, including the lifeguard qualification...in a swiming pool environment, you'd think they'd employ someone who has that! anyway i think that the company are keeping me here on purpose at the moment...not sure
right blog over, will try to blog more often in the future
"happy now? x"
Px
I've been told off for not blogging for a while, so sorry, i've been busy, but i know that's no excuse
living with the parents isn't really working very well, although i did manage to get a half decent lay-in this morning.
birthday celebration was in ireland, was very cool...very drunken, we visited something like 20 pubs of varying description..including ones called the hairy lemon, the bleeding horse and Peter's Pub, had to go in the last one really, irish rule that you can't go past a pub with your name on it. started drinking at 11 on my birthday, the original pub that we were going to start in was just unbolting it's doors as we walked past and we decided that going straight in there would be a little keen. spent some time in a couple of pubs in Temple Bar, all good. must say that there are a shed load of lovely looking women in dublin...count of women seen since coming back on tuesday last week has been about 10..not such good pickings in the uk...
nothing much to report, been on a trainging course so now i'm qualified to train lifeguards at about £15-£20 per hour...it's all good, on another course on thursday coming so that i can teach the other module of the lifeguard qualification which means when i run a full course of 40 hours i can earn a few quid (something like £600-£800 per full course) how good is that?
been to see alfie and bridget jones 2 recently, liked both, would recommend both, but don't sit in the front row, we had to for bridget jones and it wasn't good :(
bought the new harry potter dvd, not had time to watch it yet though, and red dwarf series 5 dvd with free starbug model...it's all good, watched most o fthat last night, but fell asleep during the last episode (back to reality) so i've got to watch that one again tonight :) also got the new eminem album, the new me first and the gimme gimmes album too, both are pretty good
work is ok, bit boring, but ok, i'm there now which just shows how interesting it is tonight!!!
better get back to it really, but i just can't be bothered
do you blame me?
didn't get the job at thame, they gave it to someone without any leisure centre related qualification, including the lifeguard qualification...in a swiming pool environment, you'd think they'd employ someone who has that! anyway i think that the company are keeping me here on purpose at the moment...not sure
right blog over, will try to blog more often in the future
"happy now? x"
Px
Thursday 28 October 2004
man-flu
ok, ok, i've got a cold, i'm putting it down to being a little stressed from moving last weekend...
got an interview today, not sure if i'll get the job, if i don't expect to get it then i'll be more relaxed and less disappointed if i don't get it
i'm coping, living with my parents has been made easier by the fact that my dad has gone away for a few days so i've got a chance to settle in with out having to deal with other people around me all the time, mum being at work and all that.
i NEED to go to the pub, but i'm on lates today and tomorrow so that sucks! probably not a good idea anyway seeing as i've got man-flu
got to sort through some boxes today before going to my interview, got to get rid of some of the stuff, it's starting to get on my nerves seeing my life in boxes
sleeping a little better now, not sure if that's down to being over tired or just that i've settled a little bit
oh well
Px
ok, ok, i've got a cold, i'm putting it down to being a little stressed from moving last weekend...
got an interview today, not sure if i'll get the job, if i don't expect to get it then i'll be more relaxed and less disappointed if i don't get it
i'm coping, living with my parents has been made easier by the fact that my dad has gone away for a few days so i've got a chance to settle in with out having to deal with other people around me all the time, mum being at work and all that.
i NEED to go to the pub, but i'm on lates today and tomorrow so that sucks! probably not a good idea anyway seeing as i've got man-flu
got to sort through some boxes today before going to my interview, got to get rid of some of the stuff, it's starting to get on my nerves seeing my life in boxes
sleeping a little better now, not sure if that's down to being over tired or just that i've settled a little bit
oh well
Px
Monday 25 October 2004
driven to distraction
well i'm at work and bored out of my banana tree!
i've got a mouth ulcer and it's painful as hell!
been bidding for items on ebay, i can see that it might get a little addictive, only starting small though, after an mg zr steering wheel for my car, yes i know my car's not an mg, but it'll look good and i'm planning big things or my car, maybe
got yet another docment to review this month, this one is 29 pages and once again there's lots of little red marks on it already, only on page 10 though :(
been getting text messages off of someone i know, but i don't know who they are, i've been trying to have a conersation with them to try and get some clues about who it is, but it's not happening and now if i ask who it is i'll look like a fool...how random is that!
trying hard not to pull funny faces while i'm eating my lunch, but it's not working, i've got some bongela, but i don't want to put that on until after i've finished
work is so dead and boring, there's suposed to be a family swim on at the moment, but there's no-one in the pool, the radio's crap and i'm bloody BORED!
help! me!
Px
well i'm at work and bored out of my banana tree!
i've got a mouth ulcer and it's painful as hell!
been bidding for items on ebay, i can see that it might get a little addictive, only starting small though, after an mg zr steering wheel for my car, yes i know my car's not an mg, but it'll look good and i'm planning big things or my car, maybe
got yet another docment to review this month, this one is 29 pages and once again there's lots of little red marks on it already, only on page 10 though :(
been getting text messages off of someone i know, but i don't know who they are, i've been trying to have a conersation with them to try and get some clues about who it is, but it's not happening and now if i ask who it is i'll look like a fool...how random is that!
trying hard not to pull funny faces while i'm eating my lunch, but it's not working, i've got some bongela, but i don't want to put that on until after i've finished
work is so dead and boring, there's suposed to be a family swim on at the moment, but there's no-one in the pool, the radio's crap and i'm bloody BORED!
help! me!
Px
Sunday 24 October 2004
day one in the big brother house
thankfully i've spent most of the day out of the house in doing so i've avoided pretty much everyone at home, i don't mean to say that being at home is a bad thing, far from it, i don't have to do any washing up, i don't have to do any washing or stuff like that, but the downside is that i'm feeling a bit of a guest at the moment which isn't that good, anyway!
work was ok, i had stuff to do, not particularly interesting stuff, but at least it was something to do...reviewing H&S documents is definately not what i consider fun, especially as there was around 50 pages to this months documents, normally i get 3 documents and they're at most 6 pages, usually only 4, but this month one of them is 22 pages and it's come out with an appendix which was a further 18 pages...not fun!
everything else is a bit weird, but that's expected at the moment, i think it's going to take me at least a month to get myself settled...AT LEAST!!!
anyway, i'd better go, i wanted to watch predator, which started 20 minutes ago and I'm not got a tv to watch it on yet!!!
laters
Px
thankfully i've spent most of the day out of the house in doing so i've avoided pretty much everyone at home, i don't mean to say that being at home is a bad thing, far from it, i don't have to do any washing up, i don't have to do any washing or stuff like that, but the downside is that i'm feeling a bit of a guest at the moment which isn't that good, anyway!
work was ok, i had stuff to do, not particularly interesting stuff, but at least it was something to do...reviewing H&S documents is definately not what i consider fun, especially as there was around 50 pages to this months documents, normally i get 3 documents and they're at most 6 pages, usually only 4, but this month one of them is 22 pages and it's come out with an appendix which was a further 18 pages...not fun!
everything else is a bit weird, but that's expected at the moment, i think it's going to take me at least a month to get myself settled...AT LEAST!!!
anyway, i'd better go, i wanted to watch predator, which started 20 minutes ago and I'm not got a tv to watch it on yet!!!
laters
Px
Saturday 23 October 2004
whacked
after seeing that a mate had got herself a decent googlewhack, i resigned myself to having a go, and after a few random attempts, after all it's suppoed to be random right? i found myself one registered it on the whack stack too...made me laugh, only trouble is that if i list it here it stops becoming a googlewhack...bummer huh? well if you want to know what it was you'll have to email me or find out some other way. i started with some long words though to see if i could come up with something from there, but it was a bit too ramdon to put some of the weird and wonderful words that i know and they were still coming up with like 4 or 5 hits...technique was adapted to one long and little used word and one fairly normal word, started with some random fruits, but eventually i came up with something and it worked
moved back in with my folks today...should be interesting
got an interview at thame leisure centre on thursday, same company, same money i expect too, but the centre is better and more in line with my experience and skills base, besides i'll be on site with the company's h&s blokey which means that as a company we should be able to sort things out and become stronger at it...anyway that's my story and i'm sticking to it!
bit bored, don't really know what to do with myself now i'm at my folks place, i can see myself spending a lot of time online or in my room playing on the ps2 or watching a film or just sitting and reading with some tunes on
bit miffed about the way i moved, having my dad help was just annoying...as in he wanted to move the table, so i had to clear it, just as i started to do that he decided that he wanted to move the book case and would i take out all the books, then it was the coffee table, then it was why hasn't the table been cleared...and so the circle continued...irritatingly so...
right, i've got to get on with unpacking and i've got to sort out the tv and stuff like that in my room, i think having the 32" tv in my bedroom is a little excessive, so i'll probably swap it with the 28" from the lounge, which is probably still a little on the excessive side, but i don't care, at least i'll have a decent view of the PS2 :D
laters
px
after seeing that a mate had got herself a decent googlewhack, i resigned myself to having a go, and after a few random attempts, after all it's suppoed to be random right? i found myself one registered it on the whack stack too...made me laugh, only trouble is that if i list it here it stops becoming a googlewhack...bummer huh? well if you want to know what it was you'll have to email me or find out some other way. i started with some long words though to see if i could come up with something from there, but it was a bit too ramdon to put some of the weird and wonderful words that i know and they were still coming up with like 4 or 5 hits...technique was adapted to one long and little used word and one fairly normal word, started with some random fruits, but eventually i came up with something and it worked
moved back in with my folks today...should be interesting
got an interview at thame leisure centre on thursday, same company, same money i expect too, but the centre is better and more in line with my experience and skills base, besides i'll be on site with the company's h&s blokey which means that as a company we should be able to sort things out and become stronger at it...anyway that's my story and i'm sticking to it!
bit bored, don't really know what to do with myself now i'm at my folks place, i can see myself spending a lot of time online or in my room playing on the ps2 or watching a film or just sitting and reading with some tunes on
bit miffed about the way i moved, having my dad help was just annoying...as in he wanted to move the table, so i had to clear it, just as i started to do that he decided that he wanted to move the book case and would i take out all the books, then it was the coffee table, then it was why hasn't the table been cleared...and so the circle continued...irritatingly so...
right, i've got to get on with unpacking and i've got to sort out the tv and stuff like that in my room, i think having the 32" tv in my bedroom is a little excessive, so i'll probably swap it with the 28" from the lounge, which is probably still a little on the excessive side, but i don't care, at least i'll have a decent view of the PS2 :D
laters
px
Monday 18 October 2004
back to the grind
well i've had a nice 9 days off in which i did some exciting things, but completely failed to start my packing ready to move out, which i'm starting tomorow!!!
right in my time off i watched films, went to the pub quiz, went to sheffield to see jenfer, got totally wasted, and got a new tattoo...it's all good
must thank jenfer for her hospitality, because i'm an awkward bugger, although i did cook for her and her housemates one night, which was cool. got very drunk on the first night i was there, we started drinking not long after i got there and went all day from then...twas a good sesh, not had one like it for a very long time, and probably won't for a long time to come.
birthday...it's under 4 weeks away now and i need to sort something out, it's on a friday, so everyone who's at work i think should invoke POETS day and help me celebrate, that means if you're available that weekend you should get in touch please so i can start to formulate something to do, initial ideas have been bill bailey in london on the friday followed by lots of drinking for the rest of the weekend OR dublin for friday returning sometime on the sunday for a decent sesh in ireland...anyway those are my ideas
Px
well i've had a nice 9 days off in which i did some exciting things, but completely failed to start my packing ready to move out, which i'm starting tomorow!!!
right in my time off i watched films, went to the pub quiz, went to sheffield to see jenfer, got totally wasted, and got a new tattoo...it's all good
must thank jenfer for her hospitality, because i'm an awkward bugger, although i did cook for her and her housemates one night, which was cool. got very drunk on the first night i was there, we started drinking not long after i got there and went all day from then...twas a good sesh, not had one like it for a very long time, and probably won't for a long time to come.
birthday...it's under 4 weeks away now and i need to sort something out, it's on a friday, so everyone who's at work i think should invoke POETS day and help me celebrate, that means if you're available that weekend you should get in touch please so i can start to formulate something to do, initial ideas have been bill bailey in london on the friday followed by lots of drinking for the rest of the weekend OR dublin for friday returning sometime on the sunday for a decent sesh in ireland...anyway those are my ideas
Px
Tuesday 12 October 2004
multiple personalities...kinda
you know the phrase about being in 2 minds about something, well it would seem that at the moment i'm in two (or more) minds about everything, thus leading me to the possible conclusion that maybe i've got multiple personalities...either that or i'm thinking about all sides of the story and can't be bothered to make up my mind about any of them...
EXAMPLE: do i go to the pub or go training?
pro's and con's for both
pub
pro's=beer, entertainment, beer, chance to win money on the quiz, beer, friends and oh and did i mention beer?
con's=spending money on said beer, smokey room, not winning the quiz because the quizmaster can't count/add-up, not being able to drink enough to get totally wasted due to having to drive home, not going training
training
pro's=getting paid, keeping my training record up to date, seeing people at work, training with my "team"
con's=seeing people at work, it's my week off, not going to the pub
so as you can see i'm none-the-wiser for writing all that down and to be perfectly honest i'd probably stay at home because i don't know which to do. i'd prefer to go to the pub, but then i'll feel guilty for not training.
there are other things that are of a similar ilk as this...the whole do i don't i scenario is pants
i'm trying to track an old friend down, someone i knew while i was in leeds at uni, but i don't even know where to start, i've tried google and ask and a couple of other search engines, but failed miserably so far, i've thought about going to the library and getting all the people with her last name out of the phone book, but what if she's ex-directory/married/not got a phone, and then if she is in the phone book, what do i do, call them all to find her? write to the all to find her? think of the cost, thankfully she's not a "smith", that would be a nightmare. and if i do find her, what do i say, "hey, not spoken to you for 5+ years, how are you? really, that's nice..." i guess i'm trying to talk myself out of tracking her down, but there's a big part of me that wishes i'd never lost contact with her and that we stayed friends when i left, but i didn't stay in contact with her and i'm sorry for that.
i feel like i'm losing a lot of my friends through not being bothered to keep in touch with them and i don't like that, i really should stay in touch, but it's hard motivating myself to chat to someone when i don't see them everyday or haven't seen them for a while. i don't speak to anyone i used to work with, i only left the wave 6 months ago and it's all a bit pants now that i don't speak to anyone from there properly anymore, occasionally there's someone online that i chat to, or i get a random text inviting me out for a beer, which i usually decline or forget about until after the event. i'm a crap friend
it's my birthday in a month...just to remind you! i want to try and get out of the country, but i know that if i try to plan anything other people will not be able to arrange things to suit so that they can join me so i'm thinking that it's just going to end up as another pipe dream and nothing will come of it.
right i'm done, i've gotta go home and eat and pack and stuff like that, probably won't go training or to the pub, probably be to miffed with myself to do either...don't ask ok, just don't ask
Px
you know the phrase about being in 2 minds about something, well it would seem that at the moment i'm in two (or more) minds about everything, thus leading me to the possible conclusion that maybe i've got multiple personalities...either that or i'm thinking about all sides of the story and can't be bothered to make up my mind about any of them...
EXAMPLE: do i go to the pub or go training?
pro's and con's for both
pub
pro's=beer, entertainment, beer, chance to win money on the quiz, beer, friends and oh and did i mention beer?
con's=spending money on said beer, smokey room, not winning the quiz because the quizmaster can't count/add-up, not being able to drink enough to get totally wasted due to having to drive home, not going training
training
pro's=getting paid, keeping my training record up to date, seeing people at work, training with my "team"
con's=seeing people at work, it's my week off, not going to the pub
so as you can see i'm none-the-wiser for writing all that down and to be perfectly honest i'd probably stay at home because i don't know which to do. i'd prefer to go to the pub, but then i'll feel guilty for not training.
there are other things that are of a similar ilk as this...the whole do i don't i scenario is pants
i'm trying to track an old friend down, someone i knew while i was in leeds at uni, but i don't even know where to start, i've tried google and ask and a couple of other search engines, but failed miserably so far, i've thought about going to the library and getting all the people with her last name out of the phone book, but what if she's ex-directory/married/not got a phone, and then if she is in the phone book, what do i do, call them all to find her? write to the all to find her? think of the cost, thankfully she's not a "smith", that would be a nightmare. and if i do find her, what do i say, "hey, not spoken to you for 5+ years, how are you? really, that's nice..." i guess i'm trying to talk myself out of tracking her down, but there's a big part of me that wishes i'd never lost contact with her and that we stayed friends when i left, but i didn't stay in contact with her and i'm sorry for that.
i feel like i'm losing a lot of my friends through not being bothered to keep in touch with them and i don't like that, i really should stay in touch, but it's hard motivating myself to chat to someone when i don't see them everyday or haven't seen them for a while. i don't speak to anyone i used to work with, i only left the wave 6 months ago and it's all a bit pants now that i don't speak to anyone from there properly anymore, occasionally there's someone online that i chat to, or i get a random text inviting me out for a beer, which i usually decline or forget about until after the event. i'm a crap friend
it's my birthday in a month...just to remind you! i want to try and get out of the country, but i know that if i try to plan anything other people will not be able to arrange things to suit so that they can join me so i'm thinking that it's just going to end up as another pipe dream and nothing will come of it.
right i'm done, i've gotta go home and eat and pack and stuff like that, probably won't go training or to the pub, probably be to miffed with myself to do either...don't ask ok, just don't ask
Px
Saturday 2 October 2004
under a month left :(
still at least moving back in with my folks should mean that i can "save" some money...maybe
work has been pants ish this week, but i've only had a 4 day week this week and i've got all weekend off now, as for next week, well from saturday i'm off for 9 days, bit late now to plan a holiday, but at least it'll give me a chance to maybe visit a few people and not have to worry about the work thing that i'm supposed to be doing
on the job front, i finally heard back from la fitness about the job in stevenage, i didn't get it, but the bloke said i was his 2nd choice, i wonder if he said that to everyone he turned down? also finally made it to guildford, didn't go the first time because the idiot never told me how i was supposed to get there, didn't go the second time because i got home from the night before at 10.20 and the interview thing was supposed to be at 11, guildford being at least an hour away i called and made up something about my car being crap and that i'd broken down. anyway when i finally got there, the bloke was a prick, but he seemed quite happy to try and find me a job, it being a recruiting agency that i went to, he says that i've got to givce him an up to date cv though and then he'll sort me out with some work, might even try to get me the job in brighton that he was banging on about as an example of a private health club rather than a leisure centre, they pay more apparently...sounded like he was talking crap to me and he advised me that i didn't seem very enthusiastic...i said that it was hard to get excited about maybe being put forward for a job, especially after a long ish drive and not a lot of sleep...pillock!
spent a fair amount of money this week, sorted out some storage for my stuff when i move back into my folks place, going to cost £120 ish a month, but that's going to be cheaper than ditching it all and buying new stuff when i move back out...when ever that's going to be
also got the spaced boxed set, having never seen it before, i laughed my socks off
also bought a couple of cd's, maroon 5 being one of them, it's my cd of the week, i'm liking it!
that's about it, nothing exciting seems to happen in my life these days, probably a good thing, but then i'm finding it hard to remember a time when something exciting did happen...oh well
right that's me out for now
Px
still at least moving back in with my folks should mean that i can "save" some money...maybe
work has been pants ish this week, but i've only had a 4 day week this week and i've got all weekend off now, as for next week, well from saturday i'm off for 9 days, bit late now to plan a holiday, but at least it'll give me a chance to maybe visit a few people and not have to worry about the work thing that i'm supposed to be doing
on the job front, i finally heard back from la fitness about the job in stevenage, i didn't get it, but the bloke said i was his 2nd choice, i wonder if he said that to everyone he turned down? also finally made it to guildford, didn't go the first time because the idiot never told me how i was supposed to get there, didn't go the second time because i got home from the night before at 10.20 and the interview thing was supposed to be at 11, guildford being at least an hour away i called and made up something about my car being crap and that i'd broken down. anyway when i finally got there, the bloke was a prick, but he seemed quite happy to try and find me a job, it being a recruiting agency that i went to, he says that i've got to givce him an up to date cv though and then he'll sort me out with some work, might even try to get me the job in brighton that he was banging on about as an example of a private health club rather than a leisure centre, they pay more apparently...sounded like he was talking crap to me and he advised me that i didn't seem very enthusiastic...i said that it was hard to get excited about maybe being put forward for a job, especially after a long ish drive and not a lot of sleep...pillock!
spent a fair amount of money this week, sorted out some storage for my stuff when i move back into my folks place, going to cost £120 ish a month, but that's going to be cheaper than ditching it all and buying new stuff when i move back out...when ever that's going to be
also got the spaced boxed set, having never seen it before, i laughed my socks off
also bought a couple of cd's, maroon 5 being one of them, it's my cd of the week, i'm liking it!
that's about it, nothing exciting seems to happen in my life these days, probably a good thing, but then i'm finding it hard to remember a time when something exciting did happen...oh well
right that's me out for now
Px
Sunday 26 September 2004
i started a blog the other day, but i crashed out of the computer and now i can't remember what the hell i was talking about in it
such is life
anyway, i'm still tired, i think things have gone a little tit's up too, but i can't think why or explain what's wrong, just a general feeling that there is something that is making me paranoid and i'm not acting very sensibly as a result...sucks doesn't it
nothing on the job front, going to leave it for a little while, after speaking to my boss a few times this week i want to know what's going on before i make a proper decision, although i have had a couple more application forms come through, might fill out the one for wwl, probably fill out the one for alton towers, won't be filling out the one for somerset, that one sounded very boring which is probably a good thing
my boss hinted that there might be a little "movement" in the company soon and a centre manager's position might become available and that he'll push as much as he can for me to get it because he thinks i'm capable of it...scary prospect, but i could do it, i know i could!
things are generally feeling a bit crappy at the moment though, work aside, just feeling generally down and out of sorts, but then i know that everyone gets like that once in a while and everyone else deals with it so it's time that i started to learn how
people are getting in touch at the moment too...people i've not heard from for a while, it's good to hear from them, even though they probably don't realise it, so hey to you!
feeling the need for a really good mosh pit
quote of the week:
"i'm worried that i won't get into heaven unless i'm nice to pussies" from The Unadulterated Cat
lyric of the week:
"going once
going twice
three times
fuck this i'm gone"
from Invisible Man by Theory Of A Deadman
and on that note i am actually gone...laters peeps
Px
such is life
anyway, i'm still tired, i think things have gone a little tit's up too, but i can't think why or explain what's wrong, just a general feeling that there is something that is making me paranoid and i'm not acting very sensibly as a result...sucks doesn't it
nothing on the job front, going to leave it for a little while, after speaking to my boss a few times this week i want to know what's going on before i make a proper decision, although i have had a couple more application forms come through, might fill out the one for wwl, probably fill out the one for alton towers, won't be filling out the one for somerset, that one sounded very boring which is probably a good thing
my boss hinted that there might be a little "movement" in the company soon and a centre manager's position might become available and that he'll push as much as he can for me to get it because he thinks i'm capable of it...scary prospect, but i could do it, i know i could!
things are generally feeling a bit crappy at the moment though, work aside, just feeling generally down and out of sorts, but then i know that everyone gets like that once in a while and everyone else deals with it so it's time that i started to learn how
people are getting in touch at the moment too...people i've not heard from for a while, it's good to hear from them, even though they probably don't realise it, so hey to you!
feeling the need for a really good mosh pit
quote of the week:
"i'm worried that i won't get into heaven unless i'm nice to pussies" from The Unadulterated Cat
lyric of the week:
"going once
going twice
three times
fuck this i'm gone"
from Invisible Man by Theory Of A Deadman
and on that note i am actually gone...laters peeps
Px
Sunday 19 September 2004
arrr jim lad
it's national talk like a pirate day, but i'm not going to go in to it that much, i promise
random day at work, actually enjoying my day which is good, absolutely knackered thogh, went to bed late, got up early...burning the candle at both ends a little
went to the pub last night with h, he and i spent some time putting the world to rights and supping a couple of beers...it was good...definately what i needed, hopefully it made him feel a little better too...we're both having a rough time at work, we're both thinking that it's not what we signed up for adn we're both thinking to staging a revolt...not to say that we're revolting though...
anyway...still at work so i'd better get on with things
it's national talk like a pirate day, but i'm not going to go in to it that much, i promise
random day at work, actually enjoying my day which is good, absolutely knackered thogh, went to bed late, got up early...burning the candle at both ends a little
went to the pub last night with h, he and i spent some time putting the world to rights and supping a couple of beers...it was good...definately what i needed, hopefully it made him feel a little better too...we're both having a rough time at work, we're both thinking that it's not what we signed up for adn we're both thinking to staging a revolt...not to say that we're revolting though...
anyway...still at work so i'd better get on with things
Saturday 18 September 2004
oh
my
god
i have to get out of this rut
i have to get out of this hole
i have to get out of this job
i have to get out of this place
and i've got to do it now now now now now now!
how do you go about getting a whole new life? i need one, with a new job, money, somewhere to live, someone to be with, the last one isn't important, the others are, new job first, anywhere.
maybe i should just run away and start again somewhere else, when i say run away i don't mean it in the usual sense, i mean just up sticks and start again somewhere fresh, maybe in a different country even, but i've got to get away from here, it's making me ill, the whole cycle of work eat sleep work eat sleep is getting me down, and the lower i get the less i sleep and eat, but the more i get wound up about work...it's not as though i even enjoy it anymore...someone, please set me free
maybe tomorow will be better, maybe it won't
maybe tomorrow i'll write my letter of resignation, get myself ready to up sticks and go.
if i sold everything that i own i should be able to get a plane ticket to somewhere and still have enough to statr my new life, even if it'll be a bit on the minimalist side to start with
oh well
laters peeps
Px
my
god
i have to get out of this rut
i have to get out of this hole
i have to get out of this job
i have to get out of this place
and i've got to do it now now now now now now!
how do you go about getting a whole new life? i need one, with a new job, money, somewhere to live, someone to be with, the last one isn't important, the others are, new job first, anywhere.
maybe i should just run away and start again somewhere else, when i say run away i don't mean it in the usual sense, i mean just up sticks and start again somewhere fresh, maybe in a different country even, but i've got to get away from here, it's making me ill, the whole cycle of work eat sleep work eat sleep is getting me down, and the lower i get the less i sleep and eat, but the more i get wound up about work...it's not as though i even enjoy it anymore...someone, please set me free
maybe tomorow will be better, maybe it won't
maybe tomorrow i'll write my letter of resignation, get myself ready to up sticks and go.
if i sold everything that i own i should be able to get a plane ticket to somewhere and still have enough to statr my new life, even if it'll be a bit on the minimalist side to start with
oh well
laters peeps
Px
one of THOSE days
being me gets boring, but being me and workig where i work is even worse
i'm having one of those days and it's only half 9 in the morning, i've already spent some time looking for a new job and emailing and phoning people to see if they'll give me a job
i need to get out of didcot and i need a job that is what i want not what i can do without thinking about it...i know that must be some people's dream, working without having to think about it, but i need to be challenged and i need to be tested by what i'm doing
it's getting that bad that i'm now lookig outside of the leisure industry for a job, any job will do providing it pays me enough to live on, saw one for a medical sales rep which gives me a company car, and all that type of stuff, and is going to challenge me more than what i'm doing, and you know me, i've got the gift of the gab and could sell ice-cream to eskimos so i'm thinking that it might be worth a try
i'm so tired at the moment, my sleep pattern is shot to bits again and i've got too much on my mind...i need a switch off
anyway i'm at work again at the moment so i should get off the net and get on with something...except i can't be bothered
take care peeps
Px
being me gets boring, but being me and workig where i work is even worse
i'm having one of those days and it's only half 9 in the morning, i've already spent some time looking for a new job and emailing and phoning people to see if they'll give me a job
i need to get out of didcot and i need a job that is what i want not what i can do without thinking about it...i know that must be some people's dream, working without having to think about it, but i need to be challenged and i need to be tested by what i'm doing
it's getting that bad that i'm now lookig outside of the leisure industry for a job, any job will do providing it pays me enough to live on, saw one for a medical sales rep which gives me a company car, and all that type of stuff, and is going to challenge me more than what i'm doing, and you know me, i've got the gift of the gab and could sell ice-cream to eskimos so i'm thinking that it might be worth a try
i'm so tired at the moment, my sleep pattern is shot to bits again and i've got too much on my mind...i need a switch off
anyway i'm at work again at the moment so i should get off the net and get on with something...except i can't be bothered
take care peeps
Px
Friday 17 September 2004
sick
just saw my ex for the first time since she walked out on me, only briefly as she went past in her car with her new man in it...and now i feel sick...
sick to my stomach
i suppose it show's just how much she affected me, but i don't want her to still have this effect on me, she's nothing to me anymore so why does it make me feel sick?
sick and angry
initially it did pass, but i know that it's affecting me and that's what's making me angrier
it's a pain in the arse
anyway
no news on the job front, going to have a look for some more jobs today
need to get away, if i know that i'll never see her again it'll make me feel better
no news on my housing plans yet either, there are a few things in the pipeline though, all depends on what i'm going to do about work
i'm really not happy with where i am and i might pop over and have a chat with the boss this afternoon after i've dealt with a couple of things that my folks want me to do...
laters peeps
Px
just saw my ex for the first time since she walked out on me, only briefly as she went past in her car with her new man in it...and now i feel sick...
sick to my stomach
i suppose it show's just how much she affected me, but i don't want her to still have this effect on me, she's nothing to me anymore so why does it make me feel sick?
sick and angry
initially it did pass, but i know that it's affecting me and that's what's making me angrier
it's a pain in the arse
anyway
no news on the job front, going to have a look for some more jobs today
need to get away, if i know that i'll never see her again it'll make me feel better
no news on my housing plans yet either, there are a few things in the pipeline though, all depends on what i'm going to do about work
i'm really not happy with where i am and i might pop over and have a chat with the boss this afternoon after i've dealt with a couple of things that my folks want me to do...
laters peeps
Px
Wednesday 15 September 2004
just a quickie
so i went training, nearly broke my shin though...not good...the meeting was interesting, but i don't think anyone listened to my points about the company providing a service to the community and therefore we should be providing a better public service than we are, still i live and learn
still nothing on the job front, but a bit of good news on the housing front, a sale has been agreed, but the new owner is looking at renting the property out and is willing to take me on as the tenant if i want to stay there...so i'm thinking about it for now
work, which is where i am now have done the most sensible thin ever since i started and now i can use the net while at work! about time is what i say...
at work now and should be doing something, not sure what, but something, don't feel like it tonight though and i might call a sick day tomorrow because i've not ben feeling too good today, my IBS is playing me up a little :(
tired, hungry, stressed...just another day in the life of pete
laters
Px
so i went training, nearly broke my shin though...not good...the meeting was interesting, but i don't think anyone listened to my points about the company providing a service to the community and therefore we should be providing a better public service than we are, still i live and learn
still nothing on the job front, but a bit of good news on the housing front, a sale has been agreed, but the new owner is looking at renting the property out and is willing to take me on as the tenant if i want to stay there...so i'm thinking about it for now
work, which is where i am now have done the most sensible thin ever since i started and now i can use the net while at work! about time is what i say...
at work now and should be doing something, not sure what, but something, don't feel like it tonight though and i might call a sick day tomorrow because i've not ben feeling too good today, my IBS is playing me up a little :(
tired, hungry, stressed...just another day in the life of pete
laters
Px
Tuesday 14 September 2004
multi pointed blog again today
1. aol again
i hate it...it's a crap system that never seems to let me stay online for more than about 10 minutes at a time...it either boots me or freezes the computer up and forces it to re-start... it's crap
2. the tp front
as you're probably aware i don't live with my folks at the moment...but i do come back, primarily when i want feeding or the use of a "decent" computer, i use the term decent with an edge of caution as it'll probably boot me again in a minute... but recently the toilet paper situation has been comical at home, with the tp not standing up to the expectations that i have come to expect from, not only my house proud parents, but from the bog paper that they choose to buy, recently it has been of a very sub-standard quality and might i add not very soft... however i am glad to report that the situation appears to have been rectified for the time being and the usual soft, nice and sensible tp has made a most welcome return
3. the job front
nothing's happened yet, but then i'm not expecting anything to just yet
4. the home front
again nothing's happened here either, but i was told that some people came and had a look around the bombsite that is my home at the moment, i did try and tidy it up a little, but i couldn't be that bothered, so mainly i moved stuff into places that they shouldn't be looking anyway
5. the western front
all's quiet here
6. the preston front
nothing ever happens here either
7. work
work is work is work...it's usually really pants, but it can range anywhere on the scale from bearable, right through my pants, to "oh my god that was really worth me turning up to this shit hole again today, why the fuck do i bother?" which can generally be seen as a rather boring, dull, meaningless and on the whole pointless endeavour for the day, supposed to be in a meeting tonight, followed by lifeguard training, i don't know if i can be bothered to turn up to either, but i should really, i'd much rather be in the pub or at home, or anywhere to be honest
8. drunk people
should be shot if they think that calling me at half 3 in the morning is ever going to illicit a response that isn't going to end up in physical harm the next time i catch up with them...you've been warned
9. me in general
feeling a little hacked off in general at the moment... never sure why, but hey, it can't be that bad...can it? sleeping better than i have for a little while. moods are slowly levelling out to their usual balance of walking that tightrope between insanity and mediocrity...either way i'm damned, just kidding people
that's it for now...i'll keep you posted on the tp front and job front, just in case anything changes
laters peeps
Px
1. aol again
i hate it...it's a crap system that never seems to let me stay online for more than about 10 minutes at a time...it either boots me or freezes the computer up and forces it to re-start... it's crap
2. the tp front
as you're probably aware i don't live with my folks at the moment...but i do come back, primarily when i want feeding or the use of a "decent" computer, i use the term decent with an edge of caution as it'll probably boot me again in a minute... but recently the toilet paper situation has been comical at home, with the tp not standing up to the expectations that i have come to expect from, not only my house proud parents, but from the bog paper that they choose to buy, recently it has been of a very sub-standard quality and might i add not very soft... however i am glad to report that the situation appears to have been rectified for the time being and the usual soft, nice and sensible tp has made a most welcome return
3. the job front
nothing's happened yet, but then i'm not expecting anything to just yet
4. the home front
again nothing's happened here either, but i was told that some people came and had a look around the bombsite that is my home at the moment, i did try and tidy it up a little, but i couldn't be that bothered, so mainly i moved stuff into places that they shouldn't be looking anyway
5. the western front
all's quiet here
6. the preston front
nothing ever happens here either
7. work
work is work is work...it's usually really pants, but it can range anywhere on the scale from bearable, right through my pants, to "oh my god that was really worth me turning up to this shit hole again today, why the fuck do i bother?" which can generally be seen as a rather boring, dull, meaningless and on the whole pointless endeavour for the day, supposed to be in a meeting tonight, followed by lifeguard training, i don't know if i can be bothered to turn up to either, but i should really, i'd much rather be in the pub or at home, or anywhere to be honest
8. drunk people
should be shot if they think that calling me at half 3 in the morning is ever going to illicit a response that isn't going to end up in physical harm the next time i catch up with them...you've been warned
9. me in general
feeling a little hacked off in general at the moment... never sure why, but hey, it can't be that bad...can it? sleeping better than i have for a little while. moods are slowly levelling out to their usual balance of walking that tightrope between insanity and mediocrity...either way i'm damned, just kidding people
that's it for now...i'll keep you posted on the tp front and job front, just in case anything changes
laters peeps
Px
Sunday 12 September 2004
multiple points
1. aol
aol is crap and i hate it, i've been "online" for a few hours now, but the most time i've spent in one go is about 20 minutes and then aol kicks me off...and no i'm not looking at porn or anything dodgy like that
2. second interview
had another interview with LA fitness yesterday, went better than the first and i'm a little more confident about it, it was in stevenage too, which is about half the distance to bury st. edmunds which is a little better
3. my flat
i've resigned myself to the fact that i'm losing the shag pad and moving back home, two reasons, it's cheaper and if i'm looking for a new job, i don't want to be tied into a contract on a property really
4. life's too short
several people that i know have died recently, this has led me into concluding that life really is too short, so i'm turning over a new leaf and i'm going to stop moping around and worrying about stuff that really will sort itself out in the long run, i'm thinking that i've got about 50 years left, and i want to enjoy them all properly, yeah there are going to be low points, but there's going to be high points to and i've got to learn to concentrate on them and not the low ones
5. it's boring i know
my life for the last week has been pretty quiet, not done much apart from work, and as we know that's not going as well as i'd like it to be...so there's not much to tell this week
laters peeps
Px
1. aol
aol is crap and i hate it, i've been "online" for a few hours now, but the most time i've spent in one go is about 20 minutes and then aol kicks me off...and no i'm not looking at porn or anything dodgy like that
2. second interview
had another interview with LA fitness yesterday, went better than the first and i'm a little more confident about it, it was in stevenage too, which is about half the distance to bury st. edmunds which is a little better
3. my flat
i've resigned myself to the fact that i'm losing the shag pad and moving back home, two reasons, it's cheaper and if i'm looking for a new job, i don't want to be tied into a contract on a property really
4. life's too short
several people that i know have died recently, this has led me into concluding that life really is too short, so i'm turning over a new leaf and i'm going to stop moping around and worrying about stuff that really will sort itself out in the long run, i'm thinking that i've got about 50 years left, and i want to enjoy them all properly, yeah there are going to be low points, but there's going to be high points to and i've got to learn to concentrate on them and not the low ones
5. it's boring i know
my life for the last week has been pretty quiet, not done much apart from work, and as we know that's not going as well as i'd like it to be...so there's not much to tell this week
laters peeps
Px
Thursday 9 September 2004
done and dusted
only took me 2 and a half hours to get there, and the same back.
had to buy a new shirt when i got there though, all that time in a car without air con in the middle of the day made me a little sweaty and so i needed a shirt before i went in, but i got one so it was ok.
don't think it went that well, just a feeling that i kept repeating myself to them, i don't do selling myself very well, but you never know, i'll not find out until next friday though
sucks doesn't it!
still
think the emotional high is wearing off
what with wanting to move and finding a new job being big clues leading me to that conclusion, still mustn't let it get to me or there will be problems when it comes to being interviewed.
quick poll...three words that describe me...any three, please be honest though, i don't want anyone taking the piss...Mr p.s.4.b boy...you know what i mean...email them to me, then next time when they ask i can tell them what everyone would say!
i hate that question
anyway, as soon as i know, i'll post, i'll post in between now and then though so don't be suprised when you read something and it doesn't say anything. but i don't think i've got it, so there you go
laters
Px
only took me 2 and a half hours to get there, and the same back.
had to buy a new shirt when i got there though, all that time in a car without air con in the middle of the day made me a little sweaty and so i needed a shirt before i went in, but i got one so it was ok.
don't think it went that well, just a feeling that i kept repeating myself to them, i don't do selling myself very well, but you never know, i'll not find out until next friday though
sucks doesn't it!
still
think the emotional high is wearing off
what with wanting to move and finding a new job being big clues leading me to that conclusion, still mustn't let it get to me or there will be problems when it comes to being interviewed.
quick poll...three words that describe me...any three, please be honest though, i don't want anyone taking the piss...Mr p.s.4.b boy...you know what i mean...email them to me, then next time when they ask i can tell them what everyone would say!
i hate that question
anyway, as soon as i know, i'll post, i'll post in between now and then though so don't be suprised when you read something and it doesn't say anything. but i don't think i've got it, so there you go
laters
Px
Wednesday 8 September 2004
have an interview
tomorrow
in bury st. edmunds
never been there
didn't realise i'd even applied for this job?
la fitness are after me
i can tell
this is the 2nd position that they've called me about, the last one they'd filled before they called me...stupid norks!
this time i'll get it though
got to wear my suit...!!!???
need to hunt out my tie too
going to take me 3 hours to get there apparently...not the way i drive surely...
interview's not until 4pm though so that's not too bad
not sure what i'm going to do if they offer me a position though
money's more
bit too far away though...won't be able to commute
won't have my friends around me either
will HAVE to make a good impression though, would prefer it to the one i've got
it's called advancement baby yeah
something that i've not got from the change of job i had earlier this year, which was at most a step sideways, maybe even backwards... that sucks
not eaten anything this evening yet, not sure what t have either, didn't get anything out of the freezer :( might have an omlette...again, might scrounge of the folks, but i think they've eaten now :(
oh well...
laters
Px
tomorrow
in bury st. edmunds
never been there
didn't realise i'd even applied for this job?
la fitness are after me
i can tell
this is the 2nd position that they've called me about, the last one they'd filled before they called me...stupid norks!
this time i'll get it though
got to wear my suit...!!!???
need to hunt out my tie too
going to take me 3 hours to get there apparently...not the way i drive surely...
interview's not until 4pm though so that's not too bad
not sure what i'm going to do if they offer me a position though
money's more
bit too far away though...won't be able to commute
won't have my friends around me either
will HAVE to make a good impression though, would prefer it to the one i've got
it's called advancement baby yeah
something that i've not got from the change of job i had earlier this year, which was at most a step sideways, maybe even backwards... that sucks
not eaten anything this evening yet, not sure what t have either, didn't get anything out of the freezer :( might have an omlette...again, might scrounge of the folks, but i think they've eaten now :(
oh well...
laters
Px
Sunday 5 September 2004
Thursday 2 September 2004
Sunday 29 August 2004
realisation
oh! my!! god!!!
i hate to say this, but i've just realised how true it is, many thanks to good charloote for this:
"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money!"
i am of course using this in reference to my ex, who when it came down to it, used me as her personal taxi and walking bank loan.
weird what the musings of semi-decent, semi-talented, semi-successful punk pop banks from the states can make you realise and that's a good thing
it's all buena
Px
oh! my!! god!!!
i hate to say this, but i've just realised how true it is, many thanks to good charloote for this:
"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money!"
i am of course using this in reference to my ex, who when it came down to it, used me as her personal taxi and walking bank loan.
weird what the musings of semi-decent, semi-talented, semi-successful punk pop banks from the states can make you realise and that's a good thing
it's all buena
Px
and then there's this!
just a little addition to today's blog, two things really.
1.) my dad's selling an MGB roadster, £3750, had lots of work done to it this year, with lots of new stuff done to it, if you're interested, let me know
2.) why do my parents have such crap bog roll? they seem to have a load of cheap stuff in at the moment, not only is it not very soft, but none of the sheets line up with the second ply and nearly all of one ply is in seperate sheets that are folded or torn or just plain screwed up...it's not good when someone wants to use the stuff...just think of the impression they're giving off to guests and/or visitors, let alone family??? comeone folks, sort it out!
little addition over...for now, going to go home in a bit and watch a film of some sort while i wait to hear from anyone out there who wants to get in touch with little ole me
take care peeps
Px
just a little addition to today's blog, two things really.
1.) my dad's selling an MGB roadster, £3750, had lots of work done to it this year, with lots of new stuff done to it, if you're interested, let me know
2.) why do my parents have such crap bog roll? they seem to have a load of cheap stuff in at the moment, not only is it not very soft, but none of the sheets line up with the second ply and nearly all of one ply is in seperate sheets that are folded or torn or just plain screwed up...it's not good when someone wants to use the stuff...just think of the impression they're giving off to guests and/or visitors, let alone family??? comeone folks, sort it out!
little addition over...for now, going to go home in a bit and watch a film of some sort while i wait to hear from anyone out there who wants to get in touch with little ole me
take care peeps
Px
So i'm back
so the boss is back and he's ok with me nearly breaking the window, most people in the company have now heard about it one way or another, and all i can say is, so what? i don't care, i was having a bad day!
with the boss being back it means that i'm at my folks house to blog which means it's not going to happen as often as it has been over the last few weeks...oh well, i'm sure you'll all cope!
feeling a bit fed up to be honest, had enough of work, it's really starting to bug me, i know that i can do the job, easily, i know that i can do my boss's job, so why won't they pay me more? "we can't afford to" was the answer that i got the other day from my boss, he say's that i', already above what the other dm's at the centre get, someone told me that i'm on more than any other dm in the company, which sounds good, but considering what i'm capable of, and that it's only £16000, is a bit on the crap side.
looking for another job now though, and i can go anywhere, this country, not this country, it doesn't matter to me anymore, i just want a change and i think that i can do pretty much anything when it comes to running a leisure centre and surely that's got to be of a benefit some how!
i need to update my CV, it's a little old now, considering i wrote it last year and i've changed job since then, got more experience, different experience, more qualifications, that kinda stuff.
got a 4 day weekend this weekend, thankfully, i need the break, i just wish i could afford to do something with my time off, but i'm relegated to drinking beer and watching films...it's a hard life, but someone's got to do it!
really need to sort out this job thing, i know that's what's getting me down this week and i'm bored to tears of it, and the more i go on about it the more it'll bore all of you too
ENOUGH!!!
still re-reading some of my terry pratchett books, cheaper than buying new books and easier than going to the library
decided that i need to do something with my life finally, now i just need to decide what i'm going to do with it, wasting it isn't an option anymore...it anyone has any suggestions please feel free to mail them to me, you all know the usuall address... shadowfish@hotmail.com
anyway, i'm feeling a little better for getting that off my chest, if anyone knows of a job going, give me a shout, i can turn my hand to pretty much anything, but obviously leisure management is my forte as much as i have a forte
i'd love to go overbroad to work, holiday and job rolled into one almost.
money is getting a bit dire, might be forced to move back into my folks house for 6 months or so to try and sort my finances out, it'll give me a chance to save some money too...maybe
feeling really tired all the time still, might be burning the candle at both ends, might be because i just plain can't sleep
i was going to stop writing stuff a little while ago, but i can't seem to find a decent point at which i feel comfortable stopping
wish i'd gone to reading, even if i can't afford it
right, i think that i've had enough of rambling shite now
take care peeps
Px
so the boss is back and he's ok with me nearly breaking the window, most people in the company have now heard about it one way or another, and all i can say is, so what? i don't care, i was having a bad day!
with the boss being back it means that i'm at my folks house to blog which means it's not going to happen as often as it has been over the last few weeks...oh well, i'm sure you'll all cope!
feeling a bit fed up to be honest, had enough of work, it's really starting to bug me, i know that i can do the job, easily, i know that i can do my boss's job, so why won't they pay me more? "we can't afford to" was the answer that i got the other day from my boss, he say's that i', already above what the other dm's at the centre get, someone told me that i'm on more than any other dm in the company, which sounds good, but considering what i'm capable of, and that it's only £16000, is a bit on the crap side.
looking for another job now though, and i can go anywhere, this country, not this country, it doesn't matter to me anymore, i just want a change and i think that i can do pretty much anything when it comes to running a leisure centre and surely that's got to be of a benefit some how!
i need to update my CV, it's a little old now, considering i wrote it last year and i've changed job since then, got more experience, different experience, more qualifications, that kinda stuff.
got a 4 day weekend this weekend, thankfully, i need the break, i just wish i could afford to do something with my time off, but i'm relegated to drinking beer and watching films...it's a hard life, but someone's got to do it!
really need to sort out this job thing, i know that's what's getting me down this week and i'm bored to tears of it, and the more i go on about it the more it'll bore all of you too
ENOUGH!!!
still re-reading some of my terry pratchett books, cheaper than buying new books and easier than going to the library
decided that i need to do something with my life finally, now i just need to decide what i'm going to do with it, wasting it isn't an option anymore...it anyone has any suggestions please feel free to mail them to me, you all know the usuall address... shadowfish@hotmail.com
anyway, i'm feeling a little better for getting that off my chest, if anyone knows of a job going, give me a shout, i can turn my hand to pretty much anything, but obviously leisure management is my forte as much as i have a forte
i'd love to go overbroad to work, holiday and job rolled into one almost.
money is getting a bit dire, might be forced to move back into my folks house for 6 months or so to try and sort my finances out, it'll give me a chance to save some money too...maybe
feeling really tired all the time still, might be burning the candle at both ends, might be because i just plain can't sleep
i was going to stop writing stuff a little while ago, but i can't seem to find a decent point at which i feel comfortable stopping
wish i'd gone to reading, even if i can't afford it
right, i think that i've had enough of rambling shite now
take care peeps
Px
Sunday 22 August 2004
it's called being dumb!
so i nearly broke the window yesterday, then inadvertently i locked a member of staff of the gym staff in the building and left...how good am i?
this week has been way too long and i think that i need a holiday, next question is where and who will go with me!
ah well at least i've got my sanity...no wait a minute i don't have that anymore do i? NO, it went a long time ago
ah well at least i've got my memory...kinda
take care peeps
Px
so i nearly broke the window yesterday, then inadvertently i locked a member of staff of the gym staff in the building and left...how good am i?
this week has been way too long and i think that i need a holiday, next question is where and who will go with me!
ah well at least i've got my sanity...no wait a minute i don't have that anymore do i? NO, it went a long time ago
ah well at least i've got my memory...kinda
take care peeps
Px
Saturday 21 August 2004
these things happen...
...usually to me though!
nearly put my hands through a platle glass window at work this afternoon, nothing serious, but there were some little shitty kids on the other said that were getting on my nerves so i went to go out and have a go at them, but i hit the door a little harder than i anticipated and it shattered, not all the way through mind, but enough to warrant getting a glazier out to sort it urgently.
in answer to a question i saw on a mates blog:
life is so complicated because if it wasn't we'd all be bored out of our little heads, and we'd instantly think something was wrong because we're made that way, sceptical they call it, and thus we'd ruin it ourselves, making it complicated is human nature!
still wishing i'd put one of them kids through the window rather than the palms of my hands, actuall mum was on about me doing some anger management courses if the doctor thought it would be a good idea, but i tol her the doc said it wasn't needed, not that i saw the doc...
anyway take care peeps
Px
...usually to me though!
nearly put my hands through a platle glass window at work this afternoon, nothing serious, but there were some little shitty kids on the other said that were getting on my nerves so i went to go out and have a go at them, but i hit the door a little harder than i anticipated and it shattered, not all the way through mind, but enough to warrant getting a glazier out to sort it urgently.
in answer to a question i saw on a mates blog:
life is so complicated because if it wasn't we'd all be bored out of our little heads, and we'd instantly think something was wrong because we're made that way, sceptical they call it, and thus we'd ruin it ourselves, making it complicated is human nature!
still wishing i'd put one of them kids through the window rather than the palms of my hands, actuall mum was on about me doing some anger management courses if the doctor thought it would be a good idea, but i tol her the doc said it wasn't needed, not that i saw the doc...
anyway take care peeps
Px
Friday 20 August 2004
hmmmm? did someone call my name?
didn't think so, oh well!
been in thame today which is leading me to two main points in my blog today:
#1) why are the women who work at thame leisure centre better looking than others within the company, i'm not going to mention names, but good god man, there are more attractive women there than you can shake your stick at, even if some of them are a little intimidating, girl who got 4 grade a a-levels!!! scary!!! and why are the people there much nicer and more friendly and accomodatind than at other centres? random question over, i don't expect anyone to be able to answer as no-one really knows what i'm on about
#2) driving in the rain (it was raining when i came home) is great providing you can still see where you're going clearly, i couldn't, but that didn't stop me from aiming for all the big puddles to get the whoosh type wave and the dodgy steering and all that...that's why i like driving in the rain, it's fun!
i think that's about it, probably not, but it'll do for now
take care peeps
px
didn't think so, oh well!
been in thame today which is leading me to two main points in my blog today:
#1) why are the women who work at thame leisure centre better looking than others within the company, i'm not going to mention names, but good god man, there are more attractive women there than you can shake your stick at, even if some of them are a little intimidating, girl who got 4 grade a a-levels!!! scary!!! and why are the people there much nicer and more friendly and accomodatind than at other centres? random question over, i don't expect anyone to be able to answer as no-one really knows what i'm on about
#2) driving in the rain (it was raining when i came home) is great providing you can still see where you're going clearly, i couldn't, but that didn't stop me from aiming for all the big puddles to get the whoosh type wave and the dodgy steering and all that...that's why i like driving in the rain, it's fun!
i think that's about it, probably not, but it'll do for now
take care peeps
px
Thursday 19 August 2004
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
big blog yesterday, maybe not so big today, not sure yet
title refers to something i said, made me feel stupid, doesn't happen often
thinking of going to a party on saturday evening, minor problem that may stop me from going, my ex, but i'm sure that i'll survive if she's there, besides the hostess and her don't really get along so it's more likely that she won't be there, i'll be surrounded by friends if she is though so why should i care?
work is going well, although i was told that i was going to be off sick today? blatantly not sick because i'm using the works computer to blog on! the guy that i've got to give a disciplinary to is digging himself a big hole, but he's handing in his resignation some time soon so why should he care?
getting paid a nice tidy sum this month, already seen my pay packet! it's all good
i think the weird stalker bitch has got the message, she sent me a message last nitgh saying that she wasn't going to try anymore, to which i replied that if she had been trying i hadn't noticed, harsh but fair
i think i'm going to give up being foolish, but not give up speaking my mind, speaking my mind is always a good idea because it lets people know where they stand and how you feel, although it can cause some problems
i don't want things to get weird, but i can't stop thinking about it...
take care peeps
px
big blog yesterday, maybe not so big today, not sure yet
title refers to something i said, made me feel stupid, doesn't happen often
thinking of going to a party on saturday evening, minor problem that may stop me from going, my ex, but i'm sure that i'll survive if she's there, besides the hostess and her don't really get along so it's more likely that she won't be there, i'll be surrounded by friends if she is though so why should i care?
work is going well, although i was told that i was going to be off sick today? blatantly not sick because i'm using the works computer to blog on! the guy that i've got to give a disciplinary to is digging himself a big hole, but he's handing in his resignation some time soon so why should he care?
getting paid a nice tidy sum this month, already seen my pay packet! it's all good
i think the weird stalker bitch has got the message, she sent me a message last nitgh saying that she wasn't going to try anymore, to which i replied that if she had been trying i hadn't noticed, harsh but fair
i think i'm going to give up being foolish, but not give up speaking my mind, speaking my mind is always a good idea because it lets people know where they stand and how you feel, although it can cause some problems
i don't want things to get weird, but i can't stop thinking about it...
take care peeps
px
Wednesday 18 August 2004
Times are changing!
just to warn everyone that is out there reading this isn't a normal blog from me, it's likely to be something big and something that although i've thought about for a while, probably won't make much sense and will sound like i'm whining about everything that i can come up with to whine about, so i'm apologising in advance for that. there will be a little blog type bit at the bottom which will make more sense and is verging on normal, well as normal as i ever get!
ok, the following is something that i've written over the last week or so, it's nothing really, more of an open letter about how i'm feeling, also known as the whiney bit:
"where to begin? I don't know. i don't know very much these days. there was a time when everything was easy. i knew what was expected of me and how things were supposed to play out. but that was then, this is now. and now, now i'm stuck, now i'm confused, now i have no idea what it's all about anymore.
"life should be easier than it is. things shouldmake more sense than they do. i guess what i'm really after is a glimpse at how things will turn out before they start. i want to know if buying a girl a bunch of flowers is the right thing to do, if it's going to be worth it or if i'm being presumptious, if it's not worth it or even if it'll balls things up. For example, what if it sparks off her hayfever and she thinks i've done it on purpose because i laugh when she first sneezes, or will she turn into a weird stalker, clingy, bunny boiler type of girl whoo thinks that i'm in love with her just because i got her a bunch of flowers. there's no real answer to that, but it'd be good to know in advance.
"I used to know what i wanted from life, now i'm not so sure. there's only one thing that i've not experienced that is guaranteed and that's death so we'll stop thinking about that now. i want a nice girl, enough money to cope and a job i enjoy. i could expand on the type of girl i want, but that could go on for a long time, basically i wan tsomeone who i can be with without getting annoyed or hurt, someone who is like an extention of my being but is a seperate entity. most of all i want someone who can cope with me and the way i am, now that's asking a lot and i know it.
"life is a big mess really, good things follow good, and bad follow bad. i know that at some point good must follow bad, and vice versa, but i feel that predominantly it's good with good and bad with bad. I'm an eternal pessimist and i should lighten up a little, i know that, you know that, everyone knows it, but sometimes it just seems so pointless."
ok i've heavily edited that from what i'd originally written, mainly because it was boring me to death, originally i'd written some 3 sides of cramped up a4, and my writing isn't the easiest to read!
everything with me is great at the moment, i've been on a high for over a week now, and to be honest it's a little scary, i don't think i've felt this good for a good few months. the positivity is flowing through me like a river and it's weird and great all at once.
i've been hard at work, living large and in charge with the site manager away, i've been running it really, and i've proved to myself that i can do it and it's about time that i found somewhere that'll let me!
on a different note i'd like to thank the people around me that have made me feel welcome and i've re-newed some friendships which is helping no end. i'm going back to being the old me, the me that i enjoyed being, the me that had fun, not the me that changed for people and worried about stuff and compromised things that i believed in because someone else didn't, not that i ever really did that.
Stalker girl is being weird, she keeps asking if everything is ok, no jelly it's not you that i'm talking about, it's stalker girl that i work with. she's doing my head in, she thinks that something is going on with us, but i wouldn't, just wouldn't, it's wrong on many levels, including the level that says she's not the prettiest of people to look at, but that's shallow and that's not why i don't like her, i mean, look at me, i'm no prize picutre myself, i just plain don't get along with her because she bugs me, gets the wrong end of the stick and generally gets upset if i don't talk to her.
my mum's been kinda playing matchmaker with people that she works with, i know she's being harmless and not really doing anything which is why i've been joking with her about it, but she did mention someone the other day that i really could go for, but it'd be weird if something happened, hard to explain why, but it would, that's not to say that i wouldn't want something to happen with her, because i so would, but i've known her for years and t would just be weird i guess
anyway, blogging off for now, take care peeps
Px
just to warn everyone that is out there reading this isn't a normal blog from me, it's likely to be something big and something that although i've thought about for a while, probably won't make much sense and will sound like i'm whining about everything that i can come up with to whine about, so i'm apologising in advance for that. there will be a little blog type bit at the bottom which will make more sense and is verging on normal, well as normal as i ever get!
ok, the following is something that i've written over the last week or so, it's nothing really, more of an open letter about how i'm feeling, also known as the whiney bit:
"where to begin? I don't know. i don't know very much these days. there was a time when everything was easy. i knew what was expected of me and how things were supposed to play out. but that was then, this is now. and now, now i'm stuck, now i'm confused, now i have no idea what it's all about anymore.
"life should be easier than it is. things shouldmake more sense than they do. i guess what i'm really after is a glimpse at how things will turn out before they start. i want to know if buying a girl a bunch of flowers is the right thing to do, if it's going to be worth it or if i'm being presumptious, if it's not worth it or even if it'll balls things up. For example, what if it sparks off her hayfever and she thinks i've done it on purpose because i laugh when she first sneezes, or will she turn into a weird stalker, clingy, bunny boiler type of girl whoo thinks that i'm in love with her just because i got her a bunch of flowers. there's no real answer to that, but it'd be good to know in advance.
"I used to know what i wanted from life, now i'm not so sure. there's only one thing that i've not experienced that is guaranteed and that's death so we'll stop thinking about that now. i want a nice girl, enough money to cope and a job i enjoy. i could expand on the type of girl i want, but that could go on for a long time, basically i wan tsomeone who i can be with without getting annoyed or hurt, someone who is like an extention of my being but is a seperate entity. most of all i want someone who can cope with me and the way i am, now that's asking a lot and i know it.
"life is a big mess really, good things follow good, and bad follow bad. i know that at some point good must follow bad, and vice versa, but i feel that predominantly it's good with good and bad with bad. I'm an eternal pessimist and i should lighten up a little, i know that, you know that, everyone knows it, but sometimes it just seems so pointless."
ok i've heavily edited that from what i'd originally written, mainly because it was boring me to death, originally i'd written some 3 sides of cramped up a4, and my writing isn't the easiest to read!
everything with me is great at the moment, i've been on a high for over a week now, and to be honest it's a little scary, i don't think i've felt this good for a good few months. the positivity is flowing through me like a river and it's weird and great all at once.
i've been hard at work, living large and in charge with the site manager away, i've been running it really, and i've proved to myself that i can do it and it's about time that i found somewhere that'll let me!
on a different note i'd like to thank the people around me that have made me feel welcome and i've re-newed some friendships which is helping no end. i'm going back to being the old me, the me that i enjoyed being, the me that had fun, not the me that changed for people and worried about stuff and compromised things that i believed in because someone else didn't, not that i ever really did that.
Stalker girl is being weird, she keeps asking if everything is ok, no jelly it's not you that i'm talking about, it's stalker girl that i work with. she's doing my head in, she thinks that something is going on with us, but i wouldn't, just wouldn't, it's wrong on many levels, including the level that says she's not the prettiest of people to look at, but that's shallow and that's not why i don't like her, i mean, look at me, i'm no prize picutre myself, i just plain don't get along with her because she bugs me, gets the wrong end of the stick and generally gets upset if i don't talk to her.
my mum's been kinda playing matchmaker with people that she works with, i know she's being harmless and not really doing anything which is why i've been joking with her about it, but she did mention someone the other day that i really could go for, but it'd be weird if something happened, hard to explain why, but it would, that's not to say that i wouldn't want something to happen with her, because i so would, but i've known her for years and t would just be weird i guess
anyway, blogging off for now, take care peeps
Px
Sunday 8 August 2004
Friday 23 July 2004
Sunday 18 July 2004
Friday 9 July 2004
early this week
i'm not in the best of moods at the moment, not sure why, i guess it's partly down to me trying to redefine my life and how everything fits into it, it's not going too well!
i thought about writing a list of the things a want to change, at the moment there's only one thing on the list: EVERYTHING
i don't know why i want to change things, i guess i'm just fed up with the way things are going for me at the moment, there's nothing so wrong that it stands out as something i need to change, but there are so many things that i feel aren't as they should be.
anyway, i did my nplq, passed it with easy, my time swims were well under, a 37 and a 28, the times that you have to finish the swims are 65 and 45 respectively.
i've not done anything silly to myself this week, but i've had the urge to
i'm just so tired of everything at the moment
i need help, professional help to try and sort myself out, but i'm not going to get any because i'm worried that if i do then they'll find something really wrong with me, or worse, find nothing wrong with me. either way i don't think that they'll be much in the way of help and that's what's holding me back. i wish i could go and get help, but i can't
my friends have been helping, but i don't want to burden them with every little thing that's annoying me or pissing me off or bugging me or whenever some little thing has sent me over the edge again
too tired to care
Px
i'm not in the best of moods at the moment, not sure why, i guess it's partly down to me trying to redefine my life and how everything fits into it, it's not going too well!
i thought about writing a list of the things a want to change, at the moment there's only one thing on the list: EVERYTHING
i don't know why i want to change things, i guess i'm just fed up with the way things are going for me at the moment, there's nothing so wrong that it stands out as something i need to change, but there are so many things that i feel aren't as they should be.
anyway, i did my nplq, passed it with easy, my time swims were well under, a 37 and a 28, the times that you have to finish the swims are 65 and 45 respectively.
i've not done anything silly to myself this week, but i've had the urge to
i'm just so tired of everything at the moment
i need help, professional help to try and sort myself out, but i'm not going to get any because i'm worried that if i do then they'll find something really wrong with me, or worse, find nothing wrong with me. either way i don't think that they'll be much in the way of help and that's what's holding me back. i wish i could go and get help, but i can't
my friends have been helping, but i don't want to burden them with every little thing that's annoying me or pissing me off or bugging me or whenever some little thing has sent me over the edge again
too tired to care
Px
Saturday 3 July 2004
it's all good
i've been told that i say that to much, so i'll try and cut down on it's use
maybe
doubtful though
anyway, i did have a really good blog, about 3 weeks ago now, but my pootah crashed before i had chance to upload it, which was really helpful, honest it was
over the last month or so I've not done a great deal, got drunk, been out, stayed in, been working, been doing overtime, been on courses
went to see the ladykillers, twas ok, not brilliant, but at the same time not shite
been watching mucha lucha this morning which is excellent
missed kim possible though, apparently it's on tomorrow morning though, so it's all good
very tired at the moment, having to get up early and go on this course, then i'm spending up to 3 hours in the pool each day as well, it's doing wonders for my fitness levels, but it's a bit harsh on the lack of sleep type thing
cat rich and jen came to see me the other day, which was great, not seen any of them for at least 5 weeks, in jen's case it's been a lot longer
didn't do me any good after they left though, i was feeling really pissed off and down so i got the steak knife out and i re-open the longer cut on my forearm, it bled for a while, but every time it stopped i re-opened it to make it bleed again, not the wisest thing i've been up to, but hey
got a digital link from my ps2 to the surround system so now i can hear zombies lurching around behind me while i'm slicing and dicing the ones in front of me
really tired actually, prolly somethig to do with getting up early yesterday and drinking last night and then waking up early this morning
still, it's all good
i should go really
laters peeps
Px
i've been told that i say that to much, so i'll try and cut down on it's use
maybe
doubtful though
anyway, i did have a really good blog, about 3 weeks ago now, but my pootah crashed before i had chance to upload it, which was really helpful, honest it was
over the last month or so I've not done a great deal, got drunk, been out, stayed in, been working, been doing overtime, been on courses
went to see the ladykillers, twas ok, not brilliant, but at the same time not shite
been watching mucha lucha this morning which is excellent
missed kim possible though, apparently it's on tomorrow morning though, so it's all good
very tired at the moment, having to get up early and go on this course, then i'm spending up to 3 hours in the pool each day as well, it's doing wonders for my fitness levels, but it's a bit harsh on the lack of sleep type thing
cat rich and jen came to see me the other day, which was great, not seen any of them for at least 5 weeks, in jen's case it's been a lot longer
didn't do me any good after they left though, i was feeling really pissed off and down so i got the steak knife out and i re-open the longer cut on my forearm, it bled for a while, but every time it stopped i re-opened it to make it bleed again, not the wisest thing i've been up to, but hey
got a digital link from my ps2 to the surround system so now i can hear zombies lurching around behind me while i'm slicing and dicing the ones in front of me
really tired actually, prolly somethig to do with getting up early yesterday and drinking last night and then waking up early this morning
still, it's all good
i should go really
laters peeps
Px
Sunday 13 June 2004
stuff
it's been a bloody long week and things are not getting any better for me.
financially i'm fucked at the moment with more going out than coming in, never a good equation when money is involved!
as a result i've really had to do some drastic things, at the moment i'm considering selling my car and buying an old bomb, but i can't, i'd miss my car...
i've been looking for a new job, even as far a field as scotland, the money's there and so is the job, but it's all about if i can get it, i think i can, but i've got to convince the people on the board that i can, also looking at one in tunbridge wells, both are for the council so the money's better that way and i think i've probably got a fair to good chance of getting one of them...
on the lizzy front, i've not heard from her in a while, i'm not overly worried anymore though, she wanted to go, there's nothing i can do to bring her back, and now i'm not sure that i'd take her back anyway
on the other fronts, i'm doing good, generally things have calmed down and i'm feeling so much more settled than i have for a few weeks
i've got a quest assessors course next week and i'm doing a load of overtime to help with the financial front, mind you if that got much worse i was going to seriously have to consider pimping myself out, only trouble is i don't think i could get very much for my body!!!
in other news...there isn't much else to talk about
had a really bad meal out the other night, it was a friends birthday and the food was really bad, i could've done better and i told them that!
i must thank someone, if you're reading you'll know it's you that i'm talking about, this person has been in my life for years and I've always taken them for granted a little and never really thanked them enough for the support that they've given me, especially recently, and now i hope they know how much they mean to me and how much i want to thank them for everything and how special and loved they are...thakn you, i love you
anyway, on that emotional and soppy note, i'm leaving
take care peeps
Px
it's been a bloody long week and things are not getting any better for me.
financially i'm fucked at the moment with more going out than coming in, never a good equation when money is involved!
as a result i've really had to do some drastic things, at the moment i'm considering selling my car and buying an old bomb, but i can't, i'd miss my car...
i've been looking for a new job, even as far a field as scotland, the money's there and so is the job, but it's all about if i can get it, i think i can, but i've got to convince the people on the board that i can, also looking at one in tunbridge wells, both are for the council so the money's better that way and i think i've probably got a fair to good chance of getting one of them...
on the lizzy front, i've not heard from her in a while, i'm not overly worried anymore though, she wanted to go, there's nothing i can do to bring her back, and now i'm not sure that i'd take her back anyway
on the other fronts, i'm doing good, generally things have calmed down and i'm feeling so much more settled than i have for a few weeks
i've got a quest assessors course next week and i'm doing a load of overtime to help with the financial front, mind you if that got much worse i was going to seriously have to consider pimping myself out, only trouble is i don't think i could get very much for my body!!!
in other news...there isn't much else to talk about
had a really bad meal out the other night, it was a friends birthday and the food was really bad, i could've done better and i told them that!
i must thank someone, if you're reading you'll know it's you that i'm talking about, this person has been in my life for years and I've always taken them for granted a little and never really thanked them enough for the support that they've given me, especially recently, and now i hope they know how much they mean to me and how much i want to thank them for everything and how special and loved they are...thakn you, i love you
anyway, on that emotional and soppy note, i'm leaving
take care peeps
Px
Sunday 6 June 2004
I need/want...
a job that i enjoy
a life that's worth living
a woman who's easy to talk to and get along with, not for a romance, but just for the companionship type thing
money
a new tattoo
a prince albert
more games for me NEW ps2
every cd that's worth owning
to go to a "grrr" gig
anyway enough with the fantasy land...
i got a hair cut yesterday, i like it, it's a different look to what i normally have, but that's probably because i went into a proper salon and said to do whatever they thought would look good, it cost me £49.50, but it's worth it, it's made me feel better
i also got a brand new ps2 for £89.99 so i feel that shelling out £50 for a haircut was ok, i also got a load of smelly stuff because when you're trying to imrprove yourself you've got to start somewhere!
feeling wise, i'm doing ok, i'm tired and i'm still taking it one day at a time, but i've halved my dose on my anti-d's again because i feel like i can cope with it. i seem to be running a pattern of down then up then down then up again, each phase lasting a few days, but each being better than the last time i was in that phase, ie the lows aren't as low and the highs are higher.
went to see harry potter and the prisoner of azkahban on wednesday with woja, it was pretty cool, it's been a while since i read the books so i'm not overly sure how close they kept to the storyline, but i enjoyed it
work is going ok, i've just had one of those days today, we took under £170 all day today, of which nearly £80 was my wages...not really worth opening today, but over there it seems that most days aren't worth opening
generally feeling tired at the moment, probably due to playing ps2 all night last night and the total boredom of work mixed with the heat, apparently the company i work for don't know the meaning of "air-con"
been looking for cheesy horror dvd's, but i've been unsuccessful on the hunt, i've been tempted by the "house" series and by evil dead 3: army of darkness, not medievil dead as "someone" keeps telling me! if anyone has any suggestions let me know and i'll have a think about it
right that's me done, i'm hungry so i'm going to hunt out some food and then warm up the ps2 :D
take it easy peeps
Px
a job that i enjoy
a life that's worth living
a woman who's easy to talk to and get along with, not for a romance, but just for the companionship type thing
money
a new tattoo
a prince albert
more games for me NEW ps2
every cd that's worth owning
to go to a "grrr" gig
anyway enough with the fantasy land...
i got a hair cut yesterday, i like it, it's a different look to what i normally have, but that's probably because i went into a proper salon and said to do whatever they thought would look good, it cost me £49.50, but it's worth it, it's made me feel better
i also got a brand new ps2 for £89.99 so i feel that shelling out £50 for a haircut was ok, i also got a load of smelly stuff because when you're trying to imrprove yourself you've got to start somewhere!
feeling wise, i'm doing ok, i'm tired and i'm still taking it one day at a time, but i've halved my dose on my anti-d's again because i feel like i can cope with it. i seem to be running a pattern of down then up then down then up again, each phase lasting a few days, but each being better than the last time i was in that phase, ie the lows aren't as low and the highs are higher.
went to see harry potter and the prisoner of azkahban on wednesday with woja, it was pretty cool, it's been a while since i read the books so i'm not overly sure how close they kept to the storyline, but i enjoyed it
work is going ok, i've just had one of those days today, we took under £170 all day today, of which nearly £80 was my wages...not really worth opening today, but over there it seems that most days aren't worth opening
generally feeling tired at the moment, probably due to playing ps2 all night last night and the total boredom of work mixed with the heat, apparently the company i work for don't know the meaning of "air-con"
been looking for cheesy horror dvd's, but i've been unsuccessful on the hunt, i've been tempted by the "house" series and by evil dead 3: army of darkness, not medievil dead as "someone" keeps telling me! if anyone has any suggestions let me know and i'll have a think about it
right that's me done, i'm hungry so i'm going to hunt out some food and then warm up the ps2 :D
take it easy peeps
Px
Sunday 30 May 2004
it's bloody deceptive
not sure what i'm planning on saying, things are very strange at the moment, i thought i was ok and had turned a page in so much as i was ok and starting to realise that i needed to get on with everything after lizzy going. i was doing really well, but then yesterday i don't know why, but i just started to feel miserable again, it's stretched into today too which hasn't been too good, it might even make it into tomorrow...not good at all
feeling very tired at the moment too, probably because it was nearly half 1 when i got in from the wrestling last night, it was good fun, but i just wasn't in the mood, i started out thinking i wasn't, got there and started to lighten up a bit, but eventually i just didn't want to be there
the rest of the week has been a little weird, stopped over with woja on tuesday and friday, drinking in newbury, hope the stains came out of the carpet, but it'll teach you for falling asleep in the dunny!!!
work is going ok, not sure i really fit in there yet, but then after being at the wave over 9 years i'm not going to feel right anywhere for a while, to be honest i've really felt like phoning in sick a few times just so that i don't have to be there
finding it hard to cope with things, if i'm really honest, i see no point in doing anything anymore, it's getting really hard to deal with and there have been times recently when i've just wanted to slip away, slide down into the bath and not come back up, or whack on the handbrake while doing a fair few miles and roll the car. something that looks like an accident, but i know the truth, and it's starting to worry me a little about how much thought is going into me "escaping" but a big part of me really doesn't care anymore and i've had enough. don't worry though, i'm not going to do anything stupid, it's just thinking about it, i'm sure everyone does it at some point
laters peoples
Px
not sure what i'm planning on saying, things are very strange at the moment, i thought i was ok and had turned a page in so much as i was ok and starting to realise that i needed to get on with everything after lizzy going. i was doing really well, but then yesterday i don't know why, but i just started to feel miserable again, it's stretched into today too which hasn't been too good, it might even make it into tomorrow...not good at all
feeling very tired at the moment too, probably because it was nearly half 1 when i got in from the wrestling last night, it was good fun, but i just wasn't in the mood, i started out thinking i wasn't, got there and started to lighten up a bit, but eventually i just didn't want to be there
the rest of the week has been a little weird, stopped over with woja on tuesday and friday, drinking in newbury, hope the stains came out of the carpet, but it'll teach you for falling asleep in the dunny!!!
work is going ok, not sure i really fit in there yet, but then after being at the wave over 9 years i'm not going to feel right anywhere for a while, to be honest i've really felt like phoning in sick a few times just so that i don't have to be there
finding it hard to cope with things, if i'm really honest, i see no point in doing anything anymore, it's getting really hard to deal with and there have been times recently when i've just wanted to slip away, slide down into the bath and not come back up, or whack on the handbrake while doing a fair few miles and roll the car. something that looks like an accident, but i know the truth, and it's starting to worry me a little about how much thought is going into me "escaping" but a big part of me really doesn't care anymore and i've had enough. don't worry though, i'm not going to do anything stupid, it's just thinking about it, i'm sure everyone does it at some point
laters peoples
Px
Sunday 23 May 2004
it's weird
I don't really know what to do, after living with lizzy since november and basically doing everything with her, i'm at a loss for things to do because i'm so used to being with her and doing stuff together now i just don't know what to do with myself.
i went out last night with roger to a bbq in oxford, i only knew 2 people there, but i had fun for a while and i forgot about everything, then all of a sudden i had to leave and so i did. the taxi driver talked to me all the way back about how he thought that if i waited then lizzy would come back to me, he seemed so confident about it that i almost believed him. i left because i thought something was missing and i realised that every now and again i looked around for lizzy and she wasn't there, so not wanting to be a party pooper by having a breakdown i left them to it and went home. it was a sensible idea as far as i'm concerned.
i woke up this morning at 6 ish again...stupid blinds don't keep the sun out very well
i miss her
i'm scared that i scared her too much that she'll have trouble even trusting me as a friend anymore, but i'm willing to try to work on our friendship because she has been such a massive influence on my life over the last few months that i would never want to lose her completely because it would be like losing part of me.
i keep hearing things or seeing things that remind me of her without being anything to do with her, like thursday night when i was picking the washing up and burst into tears, it's not even like it was her washing, it was all my stuff, but i just couldn't help myself.
i'm so sorry for being hysterical with her when she left, i just realised that it was over and i didn't want to believe it, i still don't want to, but i've come to accept that it has happened.
i wish i could've done things differently on thursday, i wish i could've controlled my emotions so that i didn't go hysterical and start screaming, i wish i hadn't got her to move everything out there and then, i wish i hadn't given her everything that was going to remind me about what we had, i wish i hadn't given her all the engagement cards, i wish things were different
wishing is good, but it can't change things and that's upsetting.
i have no idea if she's going to read this, i hope she does, but i think she probably won't
i'm supposed to be having dinner with my parents again today, not really feeling hungry though now, i seem to have talked myself out of eating again. i know that i'll go down in a bit and eat anyway, but i just can't seem to bring myself to do it on my own.
part of me feels that even though i'm home, i'm not and i need to find out where home is
i've lost my centre and my balance
i'm out
laters peeps
Px
I don't really know what to do, after living with lizzy since november and basically doing everything with her, i'm at a loss for things to do because i'm so used to being with her and doing stuff together now i just don't know what to do with myself.
i went out last night with roger to a bbq in oxford, i only knew 2 people there, but i had fun for a while and i forgot about everything, then all of a sudden i had to leave and so i did. the taxi driver talked to me all the way back about how he thought that if i waited then lizzy would come back to me, he seemed so confident about it that i almost believed him. i left because i thought something was missing and i realised that every now and again i looked around for lizzy and she wasn't there, so not wanting to be a party pooper by having a breakdown i left them to it and went home. it was a sensible idea as far as i'm concerned.
i woke up this morning at 6 ish again...stupid blinds don't keep the sun out very well
i miss her
i'm scared that i scared her too much that she'll have trouble even trusting me as a friend anymore, but i'm willing to try to work on our friendship because she has been such a massive influence on my life over the last few months that i would never want to lose her completely because it would be like losing part of me.
i keep hearing things or seeing things that remind me of her without being anything to do with her, like thursday night when i was picking the washing up and burst into tears, it's not even like it was her washing, it was all my stuff, but i just couldn't help myself.
i'm so sorry for being hysterical with her when she left, i just realised that it was over and i didn't want to believe it, i still don't want to, but i've come to accept that it has happened.
i wish i could've done things differently on thursday, i wish i could've controlled my emotions so that i didn't go hysterical and start screaming, i wish i hadn't got her to move everything out there and then, i wish i hadn't given her everything that was going to remind me about what we had, i wish i hadn't given her all the engagement cards, i wish things were different
wishing is good, but it can't change things and that's upsetting.
i have no idea if she's going to read this, i hope she does, but i think she probably won't
i'm supposed to be having dinner with my parents again today, not really feeling hungry though now, i seem to have talked myself out of eating again. i know that i'll go down in a bit and eat anyway, but i just can't seem to bring myself to do it on my own.
part of me feels that even though i'm home, i'm not and i need to find out where home is
i've lost my centre and my balance
i'm out
laters peeps
Px
Saturday 22 May 2004
from bad to worse
She left me, things had been going really well, but now there's nothing, she's gone and I'm not only crushed and devastated, but i'm scared and confused.
crushed: it was out of the blue and i love her.
devastated: everything i had in mind for the future involved being with her and was based on improving our life.
scared: although i'm through the suicidal and self harming phase, i'm because i didn't realise that i could be affected in this way, i went hysterical and lost control, screaming that i couldn't let her go, blocking the doorway, crying and screaming, but i calmed down when i realised how much i scared her and scared myself. now though i think i've pushed her away by scaring her, now i think that she's lost trust in me, i'd never hurt/harm her and i'd never do anything to myself now either through fear of what has happened.
confused: i don't know why she's gone, no-one that i've spoken to does, i even went round to see her dad and chat to him about ti to see if he knew or could shed some light onto the situation, neither him or his wife could understand why it'd happened as we had been so happy.
anyway, i'm trying to get on with my life, but it's hard, especially as the new bed that we'd ordered arrived yesterday.
i did a bad thing when she left. i was feeling so low that i went to tesco to see my mum and cried in the middle of the store, then i went to her dad's to check she'd got there ok, then i went to the wave to chat to my old boss who made me promise that i'd go to the doctor's, which i did next, she upped my dose on my anti-depressants and told me that i had to carry around the samaritans number with me at all times. after all that i told lizzy that i wanted all her stuff out of the flat that day, in retrospect i wish i hadn't because it was just another nail in the coffin, i even packed up most of it before she came round to do it. i needed it out, because to me it was just another reminder of what we had and at that point i didn't want any reminders, now i wish i hadn't because what we had was so much that i want to be reminded about it.
i feel stupid too.
i don't know who to turn to to talk about it with, but it helped to talk to her dad, it helped so much, he realised how much she means to me and how much i love her, but in the end he said there's not a lot he can do, me either, afterall, it's up to her and i know that if i make a point of contacting her too much it'll push her away even more and the thought of losing her all together scares me than anything else in the world...
anyway, take care peeps
px
She left me, things had been going really well, but now there's nothing, she's gone and I'm not only crushed and devastated, but i'm scared and confused.
crushed: it was out of the blue and i love her.
devastated: everything i had in mind for the future involved being with her and was based on improving our life.
scared: although i'm through the suicidal and self harming phase, i'm because i didn't realise that i could be affected in this way, i went hysterical and lost control, screaming that i couldn't let her go, blocking the doorway, crying and screaming, but i calmed down when i realised how much i scared her and scared myself. now though i think i've pushed her away by scaring her, now i think that she's lost trust in me, i'd never hurt/harm her and i'd never do anything to myself now either through fear of what has happened.
confused: i don't know why she's gone, no-one that i've spoken to does, i even went round to see her dad and chat to him about ti to see if he knew or could shed some light onto the situation, neither him or his wife could understand why it'd happened as we had been so happy.
anyway, i'm trying to get on with my life, but it's hard, especially as the new bed that we'd ordered arrived yesterday.
i did a bad thing when she left. i was feeling so low that i went to tesco to see my mum and cried in the middle of the store, then i went to her dad's to check she'd got there ok, then i went to the wave to chat to my old boss who made me promise that i'd go to the doctor's, which i did next, she upped my dose on my anti-depressants and told me that i had to carry around the samaritans number with me at all times. after all that i told lizzy that i wanted all her stuff out of the flat that day, in retrospect i wish i hadn't because it was just another nail in the coffin, i even packed up most of it before she came round to do it. i needed it out, because to me it was just another reminder of what we had and at that point i didn't want any reminders, now i wish i hadn't because what we had was so much that i want to be reminded about it.
i feel stupid too.
i don't know who to turn to to talk about it with, but it helped to talk to her dad, it helped so much, he realised how much she means to me and how much i love her, but in the end he said there's not a lot he can do, me either, afterall, it's up to her and i know that if i make a point of contacting her too much it'll push her away even more and the thought of losing her all together scares me than anything else in the world...
anyway, take care peeps
px
Sunday 16 May 2004
It's been ages and people have complained, so I'm here
I'm not sure what's going on with my life at the moment, just when everything seems to be going ok it falls apart.
I've got a new job
I'm engaged to the lovely Lizzy
I'm on anti-depressents again
I'm tired all the time
And things seem to be going, not well, not badly, just going
that's about all I can say at the moment
last night i was having a bad night and i wanted to disappear, hurt myself or die, but i didn't, i thought that if i did that then things would be worse. i know i have a problem and i know that i need help, i'm just not sure where to go and what good it will do. remember i've been to councilling before, and it didn't work then so history tells me that it might not work this time either. the pills seem to help some of the time, but i seem to be a lot angrier since i started on them, adn the insomnia/tiredness seems to be related to them and stress. the new job's not stressful, but i've not recovered from the stress of the last one.
i seem to be losing touch of the people in my life that i love and that upsets me
i went to see WWE smackdown in march when it was in sheffield, sad i know, but oh so very cool and i know that you wish you'd been there too...in actual fact i'm going to see the raw roster in a couple of weeks, still owe R for the last lot, let alone this time, don't worry, i'll sort you out sometime, i'll not forget
i've missed writing this, i didn't realise how much it helped when i was doing it, i might see if i can start doing it a bit more often
i'll try anyway
be good peoples and take care, i'm going to try too
px
I'm not sure what's going on with my life at the moment, just when everything seems to be going ok it falls apart.
I've got a new job
I'm engaged to the lovely Lizzy
I'm on anti-depressents again
I'm tired all the time
And things seem to be going, not well, not badly, just going
that's about all I can say at the moment
last night i was having a bad night and i wanted to disappear, hurt myself or die, but i didn't, i thought that if i did that then things would be worse. i know i have a problem and i know that i need help, i'm just not sure where to go and what good it will do. remember i've been to councilling before, and it didn't work then so history tells me that it might not work this time either. the pills seem to help some of the time, but i seem to be a lot angrier since i started on them, adn the insomnia/tiredness seems to be related to them and stress. the new job's not stressful, but i've not recovered from the stress of the last one.
i seem to be losing touch of the people in my life that i love and that upsets me
i went to see WWE smackdown in march when it was in sheffield, sad i know, but oh so very cool and i know that you wish you'd been there too...in actual fact i'm going to see the raw roster in a couple of weeks, still owe R for the last lot, let alone this time, don't worry, i'll sort you out sometime, i'll not forget
i've missed writing this, i didn't realise how much it helped when i was doing it, i might see if i can start doing it a bit more often
i'll try anyway
be good peoples and take care, i'm going to try too
px
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