up, down, flying around

i'm still yo-yo-ing between good and bad moods
i don't like it anymore
i've got flights that i'm looking forward to taking
even though i hate flying
i had 2 girls chatting me up in the pub last night
although i didn't realise it (someone else pointed it out after they'd gone)
and for some reason i'm still in a foul mood!
weird

the plan

you remember the plan right?
get job
get house
get girl
get holiday

yeah?
wel the get girl line came and went depending on my mood to be honest, but the basics involved job, house and holiday

well today i booked my tickets to make that final missing chunk a reality
that's right i booked my flights to go to the states
i'm heading to georgia
to see linny
:)
i'm so excited
in under 10 weeks i'll be there

that's all for tonight though folks
catch up soon
Px

blog birthday

man i just realised i missed it again (it was july 21st)
my blog is over 4 years old now, how weird is that?
only realised because i went back to read some of my early posts

i'm not back

but i am ok

i will be returning in a week or so, maybe more, maybe less
still trying to iron things out in my head

just to keep you hanging on though
i went out on my bike today after repairing the puncture it got last time i went out (about 4 months ago) only to get another puncture...
bloody typical!

there are a lot of rants that i can feel building up inside me...you've been warned

still not finished harry potter, although itold someone i'd have it done by the end of this week...guess that's my tomorrow sorted out

just watched the number 23...i kid you not it finished at 23.12
but it also opened my eyes to a lot of theories that i might take a look into at some point
also watched the hills have eyes 2...just what i expected from it
and starter for 10 which was very good and kept well with the book which i read at the start of the year...and i've not got a crush on the female lead (rebecca epstein, as played by rebecca hall)

my head is a little better
my heart isn't
and i still feel so alone that i want to be sick

i'll be back though, i just can't let the 552 posts that i've done already amount to nothing really can i?
laters
Px

the simpsons movie is cool...very funny and well worth the money

hand made by robots - newton faulkner is an awesome album and well worth the money

had enough

for now i'm calling it quits
after 550 posts over the last few years
and given the current mood
i've decided to back away from the blog for a bit and just leave it alone
i'll probably still lurk in everyone's blogs and leave the occasional comment where i fell i have something to say, but for the most part, i think this is it for now
i just can't do it anymore
i'm getting the same vibe off facebook at the moment too
and other things
i just see no point to any of it
it's all well and good claiming that all these people (on facebook mainly) are my friends, but where's the proof, where's the back up and help when i want some, where's the people i used o be able to turn to?
they're not around anymore
it's better to burn out than fade away, but seeing as i can't burn out, i'm fading away

giving up?

that's exactly how i'm feeling at the moment...
i feel done in both physically and mentally

but i'm not giving up just yet
i'm holding out for a holiday, hopefully i'll be able to get one soon enough

time for the tuesday post

ok today i'm going to go through a pet peeves and then a a few other things

pet peeve; rubber-necking...
now i understand that as a human we have an overwhelming urge to gawp at anything on the side of the road that may be vaguely interesting, especially if it's an accident, even moreso if there's a chance of seeing something that you don't want to see...
but as a van driver, it's got to be one of the most irritating things that is out there on the roads. example; today i was driving along minding my own business, while playing attention to the road obviously, when all of a sudden everything grinds to a halt...as we inch forward some flashing lights come into view, orange ones, not blue ones, so i know it's probably just a breakdown, which is was, but it took an additional 15 minutes to get past this
now i have no problem sitting in traffic for a legit reason, i'm paid by the hour...but to sit in traffic because the 100 cars that are infront of me want to gawp at a car that's gone into the back of another car...that bugs me
i run into rubbernecking at least once per motorway per day, but on the m25 it's more like an hourly thing, if not every 20 minutes

to continue with the flood theme...
it rained yesterday while i was working, some of the paper goods i was delivering got wet, but that was ok as long as the suits didn't get wet...which they didn't, well not the ones i was yet to deliver, the ones i'd been collecting and just throwing into the van (on the floor, they had to go there because ihad no hanging space for them...which was compounded by the volume that i was collecting compared to the number that i had to deliver)... it rained so much that my hotel room started to leak, not only from the ceiling, but also around the window...but this didn't start to happen until i was just about to sleep...typically!
add this to the fact that the power tripped out so i couldn't watch the tv...
i wasn't having the best of evenings!

while driving home i was reminded of the following song (the video is one someone made and posted on youtube) ok the story goes as follows
while driving i felt something hit my head, only something small though and as i looked down to the seat between my legs i spotted something, although i wasn't sure what it was i brushed it onto the floor. a few seconds later i happened to look out the window and noticed something small on my shoulder, when i had a proper glance at it i noticed what i thought to be a very still bee, this made me jump and it fell off, again dropping to the seat between my legs...only this time it roled a little further and ended up underneath me. needless to say this freaked me out a bit, i didn't really want a bee that close to my meat and two veg, especially while i was driving, but because i was driving i had to try and keep a cool head about me and not flap around incase it stung me and that while i was driving. not cool. as luck would have it i was coming up to a lay-by so i pulled in and stopped. before i eased myself up from the chair, i picked up something to squash it with, afterall a dead bee is easier to deal with than a live one. so i rose slowly from the seat not wanting to get the bee agitated or anything like that lest it sting me and still being confined in the dab of the van, i really didn't want an angry bee. and i was shocked by my findings...it wasn't a bee after all...well not a whole one anyway. i found a headless bee. a few minutes later i found the little unknown thing that had landed on my seat the first time, and it was the creature's head!
ive not idea how it got decapitated...but it was weird
and it led me to sing the following all day!


anyway i need to go to bed, i'm only on chapter 8 of the new potter book :(
laters peeps
Px

sleepy sunday stuff

ok i'm not being very good at the blogger thing at the moment
i'm not posting very often and i'm checking other people's blogs even less...
however i have had a quick trek through blogs today and doing the comments thing where i thought i had something to say

anyway that aside
life for me has been pretty good
very quiet weekend, nice and chilled...

friday the weather took a turn for the worse...but seeing as i was away overnight with work i didn't know about it. it took me over 5 hours to get back to the depot, a trip that normally take 3 hours. part of this was on the motorway, which was closed due to being underwater... part of it was because the village where the depot is and the pub where i work is had a river flowing down the high street...
i was supposed to have started work at 6 in the pub, i drove past it at half 7, i called the boss to say that i could get back if he needed me to, but it would be in the van because my car wouldn't get through the flood... and seeing as the pub carpark was underwater it was going to be a bit of a nightmare. he said not to worry about it because there was 3 inches of water in the kitchen and although the pub was open, it was really quiet because no-one could get there!
so i went out and had a few drinks instead...got in sometime around half 2 in the morning...it was good
spent all day yesterday chillling with films again, watched ghost rider (very cool), anchorman (funny) and xxx2 which i've still got to finish
i also played guitar hero again for about 2 hours... there's just something about the game that means you can't sit down and play it, you just have to be standing up
it's uber cool though
yeah, then i went out drinking again...although i wasn't as late home and i didn't drink as much last night either
but it was needed that i went out and managed to blow off a little steam

before you ask, i've still not got my hands on a copy of the new potter book...i've been waiting to let the stupid numbers of people queuing to buy the book die down a bit, which i know means that others of you out there will have read it, so please don't be spoiling it for me otherwise there will be an ass whooping heading your way!

take care peeps
Laters
Px

still life in the old dog yet

i know it's been a while since i posted...
just over a week by my count
but that's ok isn't it?

anyway, i've not been up to much this week
mostly work, work and more work

i'm still working on the plan, that's why
the next step is a holiday, so the more i can work the more money i can get in and the closer a holiday becomes :)

i've also been playing far too much guitar hero 2 during my down time
well that and on the PSP when i've been at the hotel

film-wise, i'm waiting for the simpsons movie to come out, and transformers and for someone to go with me to watch harry potter. dvd's i've watched recently include teen wolf (that classic with michael j fox...pure genius) and fantastic four in preparation for watching the second at some point soon (i've been offered a chance to see it with a friend of a friend, but i've not heard from her about it)

book-wise, i finished fear (by jeff abbot) a little while ago, liked it. been reading a book called and penguins stopped play...but i'm not really into it at the moment, so now i've switched to world war z which is about the zombie war...so far it's really good, scarily realistic, it's by the same bloke who wrote the zombie survival guide, which was also scarily realistic...

tune-wise, i've just downloaded the new hayseed dixie album...gotta love the idea of bluegrass/country versions of pretty much everything, including this time the scissor sisters!

ayway, enough with all this, i've got something to say...
today someone special is celebrating her 30th birthday, and i know that it scares the pants off her! so i came up with a little plan to try and make her feel a little better...
this involved me sending her a text message yesterday, faking that i'd be too stupid to remember that her birthday is today...this was done so that i could work out the time difference between us so that when i called her this morning i wouldn't be waking her up.
i then called my network provider to check that i could make international calls, they said i could
so today i set a reminder on my phone for the right time to give her an early morning call to wish her a happy birthday...
so when the alarm went off i called her
only to find that my network hadn't updated my account so i couldn't call her
i phoned them and they said it would take anywhere between an hour and 24 hours...thus i'd miss her birthday
they also said i'd need to turn my phone off so that the update could take place
which i did
i then turned it back on again half hour later and tried her number
while driving
and to my shock it connected...
and the conversation didn't go anything like the way that i'd planned it to
i wanted to sing happy birthday
but instead i stumbled through it, wishing linny a happy birthday and telling her that i hoped that she was feeling a little better and i wished i was there to help her celebrate, it was great to hear her voice again, i'd forgotten how sexy she sounds, even if i did shock her while she was at work...and i hope i didn't get her into trouble for accepting personal calls
anyway, she's getting a lot of love from everyone today
and she deserves it...

Happy Birthday Love!

right, the rest of the week i'll be mostly working
and playing guitar hero (PS2) or burnout (PSP)
laters peeps
Px

still here

this is just a little something that i found online, it's an awesome song and it's very much how i'm feeling at the moment...the lyrics are below

it's called i need something, and its by Newton Faulkner

I need something to believe in
cuz I don’t believe in my self

I'm sick and tired of getting no where
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

And I need someone to put my trust in
cuz I aint trusting my self

And I'm scared of failure, so scared of success
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

Ooohhhhhhh yeah

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

ok
so
if curiosity killed the cat
and a cat has nine lives
you think it'd learn not to be so curious after the first couple of times
unless of course it's more like a buddist thing...a cat that believes in re-incarnation, so it actually has nine lives rather than metaphorically having nine lives...but even then, the buddhist monks believe that when the dalai lama passes on to the next life the new dalai lama remember certain aspects of his previous incarnation, one that springs to mind is the walking stick that the previous incarnation used.
so based on this, if a buddhist cat were to get curious and therefore die as a direct result of it's curiousity, the next incarnation of the cat will (hopefully) remember that whatever it got curious about last time killed it...
i guess that wouldn't stop it from being curious, only from being curious about what killed it the first time.
now consider over time the cat become curious about something else, and subsequently dies as a direct result and gets re-incarnated...it'll now be wary of two things
consider overtime the cat does this several times...
you'd think that it'd learn to be less curious about things

oh well
that was pretty random wasn't it

there's still the issue of the wedding as well (below)
laters peeps
Px

i'll get told off if i don't write this...

ok a little back story
10 months ago i was in an unhealthy relationship, as is always the way, i didn't see this at the time and therefore squandered the following opportunity.
10 months ago i met someone who to this day i think about regularly.
10 months ago i met lindsey (aka linny)
a planned holiday to the UK with her friend and a half arranged attempt for us to meet up while she was here before she left didn't hold much hope for me and her to meet, however we exchanged numbers in the hope that she would be able to arrange things that we could meet up.

things worked out that she'd breeze into oxford for the evening on her way to london. just enough time to meet up and have a pint.

but during the evening i flirted with not only lindsey, but also with her friend. this lead to confusion that wasn't fully resolved until last weekend.
and it wasn't until this past weekend that i broke my silence with regards to my true feeling from that night.

lets break it down
when we sat down i didn't sit next to lindsey, i sat next to her friend, this was partly intentional on my part, it's a lot easier to study a person and take in everything about them when you can look at them.
through the evening i found it hard to take my eyes off lindsey, but i think i was doing a pretty good job of not lingering too long
through the evening we had a good time, so much so that the girls cancelled that night's accomodation in london and favoured a night in oxford (they ended up in a hostel, not ideal as i'm sure lindsey will tell you, i initially suggested a motel saying that i'd come and get them in the morning and make sure that they made it to the station safely) i would've offered space in my own home, but at the time i was in the spare bed because i'd been out and if i got home late and woke up her, then my life would've been hell.
at the end of the evening, when i dropped them off at the hostel, we shared a kiss, first i kissed her friend, then i kissed lindsey. she's said tha ti kissed her longer than i kissed her friend, and at that point she half realised that it was her i'd been interested in. at that time i wanted to kiss her much more passionately, but i refrained because of the relationship that i was in.
since that night i've often thought what it would've been like to kiss her that way.
since that night i've had much deeper thoughts about things
since that night i've found myself a little jealous
since that night we've kept in contact
since that night we both hid things from each other about how we both wanted to kiss passionately that night

that is until this past weekend when it all started innocently in a conversation on MSN
and ended up with my inviting FU to be the best man at our vegas wedding, but only if he gets in the elvis suit. venue set and you'd all be invited and it's down to me to pick a date, i'm thinking late september

now i know that it wasn't serious
but there's a big part of me that does hold on to those memories of that evening and there's a bigger part of me kicking myself for not spilling my guts to her sooner or kissing her that night. there's a part of me that would love to marry lindsey
anywhere
anytime

i hope she now knows how i feel
and i hope that she knows that i love her
laters
Px

man stuff

ok
so i'm a man
i belch
i fart
i scratch myself in public!
deal with it

not i happened to fart in front of my housemate earlier, this isn't the first time i've done it, and i seriously doubt that it will be the last. anyway, being polite, i said "pardon me" as i (nearly) always do in public, i also followed it up with the stunning observation that "i farted"...
to which my housemate said, and i quote, "no shit"
the obvious reply was "no it was a fart, not a shit"

we laughed

i guess you had to be here...

laters
Px

a whole big pile of randomness

ok
i've got half hour before i need to leave to go to the pub for work...

anyway, that aside, i've got to air a few things
work:
on thursday i went to work...the white van job...only to find that the lorry that delivers to us was running late, i normally leave the depot around half 5 in the morning, that day i left 2 hours late because after the lorry. and the fact that mine was one of the last on the lorry...partly because i'd hepled everyone else ot load up their vans and they'd all buggered off without helping anyone else! so i get to what would be my usual first drop 3 hours after i normally do...i spent the rest of the day trying to catch up with myself so that all the normal stores got their drops when they usually do...i managed it, but i skipped every store that didn't have a delivery. then on friday, breakfast was late as usual, i'm getting fed up with that, but when i went down to my van, the tyre had gone down overnight! i kicked the wheel out of frustration. i found the jack from in the van and the spare tyre (the jack wasn't big enough, the spare is going bald) not that it mattered because once i'd undone all the wheel nuts, i still couldn't get the wheel off the van. i had to call my boss to get someone out to me to help me to take the wheel off...when that bloke eventually got to me i was already 90 minutes late again!! and i'd wrecked my jeans because the jack was covered in oil and it was raining.
enough said!

pub work:
it's going ok...
but only ok
i was late on friday because of the other job
but it wasn't that busy

car:
it's going still running
which is a good thing

i bought guitar hero 2 the other day :)
i've not had chance to play it yet though

i also bought a few dvds, not had time to watch them yet either...

i had a long chat with linny last night
that was awesome :)
and she's finally signed up to facebook too...

getting quite a few people chatting to me on facebook, it's great because some i've not spoken to since 2000 or there abouts

anyway it's nearly time for me to head to work, i need a shave and a wash before i head off too
so laters peeps
Px

i'm sure

there was something really blog worthy that i was going to write today, but i can't for the life of me remember what it was...

bugger

laters
Px

and so it's done

ok well honestly nothing's been done for a while
in fact i've done next to nothing all weekend...and that's just how it should be!

yesterday i went searching for a skateboard, no major reason apart from wanting one and thinking that it would be an easier way of getting round than walking everywhere...yes i am that lazy! but i couldn't find one, i found a shop that sold decks, trucks and wheels and all that, but being the lazy sod that i am i didn't get all the parts
i nearly bought a nintendo Wii...thought it would be fun, but didn't thought that i should save my money, but it's still there in my mind :)
also was debating on getting guitar hero 2 for the PS2 with the guitar thing as well, but once again decided not to...
in the end i bought a drink and a kitkat...lol

last night i was going to stop in with jenfer, watch a film and just chill...which we did, then i went out with chunk, who i've not seen for months and we had a really good night out, i got drunk, but not wasted which is always a bonus. and for the first time in ages i actually just switched off and enjoyed myself

so yeah :)
it's better than it has been
part of my wishes i'd got a wii
part of me wishes i'd got guitar hero
all of me knows that saving money was the sensible option!

btw hi to the peeps sneaking in from facebook...you know who you are :)
and hi to the person from bedfordshire who checks in fairly regularly...

laters peeps
Px

HNT 2fer

ok so i've been kinda promising for a while to show off my new ink and my new piercing...

well seeing as i can't show off both in one pic i'm putting up 2 pics today...

first we have the new ink...

you all remember the fire around the right ankle, yeah? (what do you mean no?...shame on you...oh well it's in this shot too...) well recently (about 6 weeks ago) i added waves to my left ankle and this is the result:

and second we have the new tongue piercing

people keep asking why?

if you have to ask, then you really shouldn't want to know the answer because you're just to innocent... ;)

anyway...HHNT peeps

take it easy

and thanks to those who felt the need to leave a message or get in touch as a result of the previous post...honestly i'm ok, i just needed the space to let it out (if you don't know what i mean, then you really should go and have a read, it's about a serious topic and it would mean a lot to me if you could all just pop along to the next post and take a look, it might help you understand what someone you know is going through)

laters peeps

Px

it's been a week

only a week, but still, surely you'd think i should've said something since last week!

well it seems blogging buddies are dropping like flies this year
not heard anything from becca for a while, fu has just announced he's turning his back on the blog life and switching to facebook, rawbean slipped out earlier, as did steve novak...
oh well, i'll just add them to the list which also includes woja and tochy...people that con't really blog anymore list

an quick update on the car, i've got it back...it's becoming a money pit though, whihc is pissing me off...think i'll just get rid of it when the work has finished...
yeah that's right, i've got it back, but the works not finished yet...
you remember the comment i made about the bonnet blowing open while the bloke from the garage came to get it...well they've got me a bonnet, and it's a different colour to the original! but they have said that they'll re-spray it for me, so that's ok

work is hectic at the moment

i'm not getting enough sleep at the moment

i'm feeling very lonely most of the time

not a lot else to say at the moment

there was a big report on the radio news today about suicide, and that every day 3 men between 18 and 35 kill themselves in the UK each day, it's the main reason for death in this gender/age bracket... can you believe that? i can...i'm in this age bracket and i've contemplated t many times, from wondering what it would feel like and how much it would hurt to do something like slit my wrists to driving my car way too fast and just rolling it or making it hit a wall to wondering if i'd notice myself slipping away if i took an overdose. the general consensus was that men don't feel like they can talk to anyone about their problems and that they put up a mask of being this happy jovial person when others are around. having been there and done that, it's all true. but it also doesn't help when you think about opening up to someone and that person thinks that you're talking rubbish, or is more concerned in relating every thing that you tell them back into being about them and how difficult their life is and all that. or worse still,the person you're opening up to doesn't take it seriously, they eother focus on one thing that they feel is important (in my case the counsellor that i was seeing took her issue with my family, and seemed to think that my relationship to my siblings and the fact that i referred to them all as brothers and sisters when they are only half brothers and half sisters) or, and this can sometimes be worse, they think that your problems are pathetic, petty or trivial (in my case this related back to the last full time job i had and the fact tat i was less than happy in it, the person i spoke to when i tried to open up about it told me that i was being stupid and that it was all in my head and i should get a grip on myself). these reactions will often lead to the depressed person feeling lower than they do already, and will make them even more introverted when it comes to dealing with the problems that they face. it made me feel worse, it also made me feel less and less comfortable with opening up to people about my issues. i've chosen specific people in the past to help me through rough times, some of these people are still in my life now, some thankfully are not. but even now, knowing that there are people out there who are willing to help and are capable of just listening and offering helpful advice, doesn't mean that i'm willing to open up to them...some of them read this blog, they know that i've called them or texted them when i needed to get something off my chest, but others who read this know that this is used as an outlet for me, and that's part of the way i cope with things. but ever increasingly, im finding that i am becoming more introverted with regards to depression and telling people that i've got a problem and that i am asking for help...because i don't want the reactions that i've had from the people that are no longer around or the sympathy that comes my way too

i know it's tmi tuesday again, but i think the whole thing above covers me for this week with regards to the tmi thing...

laters peeps
Px

oi!

ok first things first...the image of me in the previous post (my HNT) is NOT my ass/fanny/behind/hinney/butt/arse/backside/bum...it's the crook of my elbow...
it just goes to show that you people are all a little pervy!!!

not doing too great at the moment
in fact i'm really pissed off with a lot of things
my car...not only have i spent over £1000 in the past month trying to get it sorted, but now the battery is completely flat and the alternator is buggered...i broke down twice today trying to get home from work...a journey that is only about 5 miles...if that. the battery was so flat that i couldn't even put on my hazard warning lights...
i am truly pissed off with the fucking machine
so this leads me to my next thing to be pissed off with...
i go back to my mum's to collect my bike, thinking that in the meantime i can use this to get me around...only to find the fucking thing has a puncture...how fucking typical is that?
bastard thing
i'm pissed off with the traffic warden who gave me a ticket this morning for being parked in a taxi rank but let 3 other vehicles off for delivering to shops in a pedestrianised zone out of the regulated hours (i.e. after 10am), in fairness i shouldn't have parked in the taxi rank and paid the ticket without worrying about it
i'm pissed off with my job and working all the hours that which ever god i've pissed off this time is sending...at last count i'm averaging 70 hours a week, at least 2 nights a week i get about 5 hours sleep before i'm up again and struggling to get ready for the next job. factor into this that i'm away with work 2 nights a week too, i rarely spent anytime at my home...and pretty much the only time i see my housemate is during our weekly salsa class...yes i am finally learning to dance the salsa, no it's not the tango that i thought i might be learning at the start of the year, no it's not with tango girl, yes i've not mentioned her in a while, no i'm not interested there anymore

there's a shit load of other little things that are pissing me off no end too...but they're all trivial little things, like the people who drive along in the middle lane of the motorway all the time, regardless of the fact that they're not overtaking anything and refuse to move across into the outside lane (fast lane) when i want to pull out to overtake something in my van, even though that lane is clear

generally not having a good time at the moment
would love dearly to just run away
far away
but i can't
i have responsibilities

by the way, i've been tagged in a couple of pics on facebook (for those of you with it) they're pics of me with jay and silent bob...my dragons, not the kevin smith creations...so you can see them up there.

whinge over
laters
Px