it's bloody deceptive

not sure what i'm planning on saying, things are very strange at the moment, i thought i was ok and had turned a page in so much as i was ok and starting to realise that i needed to get on with everything after lizzy going. i was doing really well, but then yesterday i don't know why, but i just started to feel miserable again, it's stretched into today too which hasn't been too good, it might even make it into tomorrow...not good at all

feeling very tired at the moment too, probably because it was nearly half 1 when i got in from the wrestling last night, it was good fun, but i just wasn't in the mood, i started out thinking i wasn't, got there and started to lighten up a bit, but eventually i just didn't want to be there

the rest of the week has been a little weird, stopped over with woja on tuesday and friday, drinking in newbury, hope the stains came out of the carpet, but it'll teach you for falling asleep in the dunny!!!

work is going ok, not sure i really fit in there yet, but then after being at the wave over 9 years i'm not going to feel right anywhere for a while, to be honest i've really felt like phoning in sick a few times just so that i don't have to be there

finding it hard to cope with things, if i'm really honest, i see no point in doing anything anymore, it's getting really hard to deal with and there have been times recently when i've just wanted to slip away, slide down into the bath and not come back up, or whack on the handbrake while doing a fair few miles and roll the car. something that looks like an accident, but i know the truth, and it's starting to worry me a little about how much thought is going into me "escaping" but a big part of me really doesn't care anymore and i've had enough. don't worry though, i'm not going to do anything stupid, it's just thinking about it, i'm sure everyone does it at some point

laters peoples
Px

it's weird

I don't really know what to do, after living with lizzy since november and basically doing everything with her, i'm at a loss for things to do because i'm so used to being with her and doing stuff together now i just don't know what to do with myself.

i went out last night with roger to a bbq in oxford, i only knew 2 people there, but i had fun for a while and i forgot about everything, then all of a sudden i had to leave and so i did. the taxi driver talked to me all the way back about how he thought that if i waited then lizzy would come back to me, he seemed so confident about it that i almost believed him. i left because i thought something was missing and i realised that every now and again i looked around for lizzy and she wasn't there, so not wanting to be a party pooper by having a breakdown i left them to it and went home. it was a sensible idea as far as i'm concerned.

i woke up this morning at 6 ish again...stupid blinds don't keep the sun out very well

i miss her

i'm scared that i scared her too much that she'll have trouble even trusting me as a friend anymore, but i'm willing to try to work on our friendship because she has been such a massive influence on my life over the last few months that i would never want to lose her completely because it would be like losing part of me.

i keep hearing things or seeing things that remind me of her without being anything to do with her, like thursday night when i was picking the washing up and burst into tears, it's not even like it was her washing, it was all my stuff, but i just couldn't help myself.

i'm so sorry for being hysterical with her when she left, i just realised that it was over and i didn't want to believe it, i still don't want to, but i've come to accept that it has happened.

i wish i could've done things differently on thursday, i wish i could've controlled my emotions so that i didn't go hysterical and start screaming, i wish i hadn't got her to move everything out there and then, i wish i hadn't given her everything that was going to remind me about what we had, i wish i hadn't given her all the engagement cards, i wish things were different

wishing is good, but it can't change things and that's upsetting.

i have no idea if she's going to read this, i hope she does, but i think she probably won't

i'm supposed to be having dinner with my parents again today, not really feeling hungry though now, i seem to have talked myself out of eating again. i know that i'll go down in a bit and eat anyway, but i just can't seem to bring myself to do it on my own.

part of me feels that even though i'm home, i'm not and i need to find out where home is

i've lost my centre and my balance

i'm out

laters peeps
Px

from bad to worse

She left me, things had been going really well, but now there's nothing, she's gone and I'm not only crushed and devastated, but i'm scared and confused.

crushed: it was out of the blue and i love her.

devastated: everything i had in mind for the future involved being with her and was based on improving our life.

scared: although i'm through the suicidal and self harming phase, i'm because i didn't realise that i could be affected in this way, i went hysterical and lost control, screaming that i couldn't let her go, blocking the doorway, crying and screaming, but i calmed down when i realised how much i scared her and scared myself. now though i think i've pushed her away by scaring her, now i think that she's lost trust in me, i'd never hurt/harm her and i'd never do anything to myself now either through fear of what has happened.

confused: i don't know why she's gone, no-one that i've spoken to does, i even went round to see her dad and chat to him about ti to see if he knew or could shed some light onto the situation, neither him or his wife could understand why it'd happened as we had been so happy.

anyway, i'm trying to get on with my life, but it's hard, especially as the new bed that we'd ordered arrived yesterday.

i did a bad thing when she left. i was feeling so low that i went to tesco to see my mum and cried in the middle of the store, then i went to her dad's to check she'd got there ok, then i went to the wave to chat to my old boss who made me promise that i'd go to the doctor's, which i did next, she upped my dose on my anti-depressants and told me that i had to carry around the samaritans number with me at all times. after all that i told lizzy that i wanted all her stuff out of the flat that day, in retrospect i wish i hadn't because it was just another nail in the coffin, i even packed up most of it before she came round to do it. i needed it out, because to me it was just another reminder of what we had and at that point i didn't want any reminders, now i wish i hadn't because what we had was so much that i want to be reminded about it.

i feel stupid too.

i don't know who to turn to to talk about it with, but it helped to talk to her dad, it helped so much, he realised how much she means to me and how much i love her, but in the end he said there's not a lot he can do, me either, afterall, it's up to her and i know that if i make a point of contacting her too much it'll push her away even more and the thought of losing her all together scares me than anything else in the world...

anyway, take care peeps
px

It's been ages and people have complained, so I'm here

I'm not sure what's going on with my life at the moment, just when everything seems to be going ok it falls apart.

I've got a new job

I'm engaged to the lovely Lizzy

I'm on anti-depressents again

I'm tired all the time

And things seem to be going, not well, not badly, just going

that's about all I can say at the moment

last night i was having a bad night and i wanted to disappear, hurt myself or die, but i didn't, i thought that if i did that then things would be worse. i know i have a problem and i know that i need help, i'm just not sure where to go and what good it will do. remember i've been to councilling before, and it didn't work then so history tells me that it might not work this time either. the pills seem to help some of the time, but i seem to be a lot angrier since i started on them, adn the insomnia/tiredness seems to be related to them and stress. the new job's not stressful, but i've not recovered from the stress of the last one.

i seem to be losing touch of the people in my life that i love and that upsets me

i went to see WWE smackdown in march when it was in sheffield, sad i know, but oh so very cool and i know that you wish you'd been there too...in actual fact i'm going to see the raw roster in a couple of weeks, still owe R for the last lot, let alone this time, don't worry, i'll sort you out sometime, i'll not forget

i've missed writing this, i didn't realise how much it helped when i was doing it, i might see if i can start doing it a bit more often

i'll try anyway

be good peoples and take care, i'm going to try too
px