it's weird

I don't really know what to do, after living with lizzy since november and basically doing everything with her, i'm at a loss for things to do because i'm so used to being with her and doing stuff together now i just don't know what to do with myself.

i went out last night with roger to a bbq in oxford, i only knew 2 people there, but i had fun for a while and i forgot about everything, then all of a sudden i had to leave and so i did. the taxi driver talked to me all the way back about how he thought that if i waited then lizzy would come back to me, he seemed so confident about it that i almost believed him. i left because i thought something was missing and i realised that every now and again i looked around for lizzy and she wasn't there, so not wanting to be a party pooper by having a breakdown i left them to it and went home. it was a sensible idea as far as i'm concerned.

i woke up this morning at 6 ish again...stupid blinds don't keep the sun out very well

i miss her

i'm scared that i scared her too much that she'll have trouble even trusting me as a friend anymore, but i'm willing to try to work on our friendship because she has been such a massive influence on my life over the last few months that i would never want to lose her completely because it would be like losing part of me.

i keep hearing things or seeing things that remind me of her without being anything to do with her, like thursday night when i was picking the washing up and burst into tears, it's not even like it was her washing, it was all my stuff, but i just couldn't help myself.

i'm so sorry for being hysterical with her when she left, i just realised that it was over and i didn't want to believe it, i still don't want to, but i've come to accept that it has happened.

i wish i could've done things differently on thursday, i wish i could've controlled my emotions so that i didn't go hysterical and start screaming, i wish i hadn't got her to move everything out there and then, i wish i hadn't given her everything that was going to remind me about what we had, i wish i hadn't given her all the engagement cards, i wish things were different

wishing is good, but it can't change things and that's upsetting.

i have no idea if she's going to read this, i hope she does, but i think she probably won't

i'm supposed to be having dinner with my parents again today, not really feeling hungry though now, i seem to have talked myself out of eating again. i know that i'll go down in a bit and eat anyway, but i just can't seem to bring myself to do it on my own.

part of me feels that even though i'm home, i'm not and i need to find out where home is

i've lost my centre and my balance

i'm out

laters peeps
Px