from bad to worse

She left me, things had been going really well, but now there's nothing, she's gone and I'm not only crushed and devastated, but i'm scared and confused.

crushed: it was out of the blue and i love her.

devastated: everything i had in mind for the future involved being with her and was based on improving our life.

scared: although i'm through the suicidal and self harming phase, i'm because i didn't realise that i could be affected in this way, i went hysterical and lost control, screaming that i couldn't let her go, blocking the doorway, crying and screaming, but i calmed down when i realised how much i scared her and scared myself. now though i think i've pushed her away by scaring her, now i think that she's lost trust in me, i'd never hurt/harm her and i'd never do anything to myself now either through fear of what has happened.

confused: i don't know why she's gone, no-one that i've spoken to does, i even went round to see her dad and chat to him about ti to see if he knew or could shed some light onto the situation, neither him or his wife could understand why it'd happened as we had been so happy.

anyway, i'm trying to get on with my life, but it's hard, especially as the new bed that we'd ordered arrived yesterday.

i did a bad thing when she left. i was feeling so low that i went to tesco to see my mum and cried in the middle of the store, then i went to her dad's to check she'd got there ok, then i went to the wave to chat to my old boss who made me promise that i'd go to the doctor's, which i did next, she upped my dose on my anti-depressants and told me that i had to carry around the samaritans number with me at all times. after all that i told lizzy that i wanted all her stuff out of the flat that day, in retrospect i wish i hadn't because it was just another nail in the coffin, i even packed up most of it before she came round to do it. i needed it out, because to me it was just another reminder of what we had and at that point i didn't want any reminders, now i wish i hadn't because what we had was so much that i want to be reminded about it.

i feel stupid too.

i don't know who to turn to to talk about it with, but it helped to talk to her dad, it helped so much, he realised how much she means to me and how much i love her, but in the end he said there's not a lot he can do, me either, afterall, it's up to her and i know that if i make a point of contacting her too much it'll push her away even more and the thought of losing her all together scares me than anything else in the world...

anyway, take care peeps
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