it's been a couple of days
and i just want to say things seem to be looking up
i'm feeling much better health wise
work is going well
and well life isn't going too badly either
there are still things going on which are very not cool and causing problems, but i've come to realise that they are out of my hands and as such i'm not able to do anything about it
anyway
other things
like i said health wise things are better, IBS is still playing me about, and i'm not going to the doc's because there is nothing that they can do for me about it anyway without putting me on a course of meds which i'll either have to keep taking or run the risk of getting ill again and again and again
lifeguarding...get this i went in on saturday to hand in my uniform and the dm on duty didn't even know i'd walked out last week...just another reason why i'm happy to be shot of the place! still waiting for the call from the manager there though...doubt i'll be getting one now though, not that i care about it anyway
still like i've said life is getting better and so many people have commented on my face fur that i might actually post a smiley face this HNT...i might even post a pic of all my face...not sure yet though...if there are any requests...let me know and i'll see if there's anything i can do for you...people wanting something "rude" should be very nice to me
laters peeps
Px

HNT time again
this is a difficult post
as some of you are very aware, i'm having some personal problems at the moment. unfortunately these problems have also manifested themselves in a physical way, starting last night. i suffer from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which cause severe stomach cramps and on occasion vomiting and well you know what i'm getting at... last night was the first major attack i've had in about 5 years, it left me unable to drive, which meant that i and to leave my car at the cinema last night and convince the people i was with that i would be ok. the girl i'm with (the one i want to be with from the previous post) wouldn't leave me and insisted that she either drove me home or to the hospital, home was my choice because i knew that there is very little that can be done at the hospital, apart from pain relief and i don't like needles.
anyway she stayed with me for a while when we got home and eventually i started to feel better. i am ok, but at the same time i'm not well at all. but i'm trying to cope with everything without causing much stress to other people.
anyway my HNT pics follow, the first is me biting my lip, i've been doing that a lot over the last few days to try to hold things together

the next two are difficult for me to post, they are of a time when things weren't so good for me, although they are taken recently (as in yesterday, before i got ill) they both happened in august last year, when i was feeling so low that i wanted something else to think about, the emotional pain i was in was too much so i started cutting myself to give me something more physical and real to concentrate on. all the marks are on my left arm, the first is the worst one i ever did, i used a steak knife and hardly felt it at all, but i needed to go to the hospital for stitches, that was the last time i did it because of the way the nurse looked at me and because i had to tell people that i wasn't coping very well. the second pic is of a series of smaller cuts which were done around the same time, but less severe. i'm sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable.

i HATE this
absolutely hate it
i can't cope anymore with feeling like this
i can't sleep
i can't eat
i can't concentrate
i can't do very much to be honest
i want to curl up in a warm place and hide
i want to cry
i want to be with her
i want to go back in time, only a week
i want to runaway

thanks for the support
i know i have friends out there that i can turn to when i need you, but for the time being things are just way to hard to talk about them as i'm not 100% sure what's going on so i can't really talk yet
but i've been feeling a little better over the last 24 hours or so...but it's going to be a very long time before i'm happy that things are 100% how they should be
until then you'll get the occasional post from me which will either be completely random (seeing as i am the anthropomorphic personification of random i feel the need to keep up certain appearances) or will be similar to this one and a few other...breif and slightly morose, but at least i'll try and keep you informed
thank you again for your kind words and feel free to comment/email me when ever you want and either cheer me up or slap me down for not blogging...either way i'll deserve it and get you all back
love to you all
Petex

anger management is NOT my forte

this is more of an apologetic post

i don't think i'll be posting much in the coming days/weeks

not until i've managed to sort out a few things

i will still be checking in on people and leaving comments...that includes leaving comments here as well

but for the time being i think i need to take a while and clear my head properly so that i can be the true Px

having said that i probably willl post now more than ever...trying to write things down to get them out of my head works sometimes

i'll also try to carry one playing the HNT game, but you'll have to understand that they will be uninspired and pretty dull

take care peeps
Pete

angerballs (parental advisory explicit language)
like you wouldn't believe
so the holiday (NOT vacation) was cool...loved every minute of it, it was so good i wish i'd never came back
things haven't been too great since i came back
and i don't really want to go into too many details about things as i want to check with someone before i post about it...needless to say it's a long story and it's really got to me the last couple of days
to top it all off though i got really pissed off yesterday while i was at my lifeguard job...so much so that i told the DM that i was quitting with immediate effect, seeing as i'd not signed the zero hours contract they'd sent through to me while i was away because it's bullshit, i can't see as i have to give any notice at all and so i checked that i wasn't going to be causing too much of a problem by walking out and then did just that
there are so many things there that i need to be able to change, things that i think are wrong, bad practise or just plain stupid...example...having 8 lifeguards in the building, with only 3 on poolside at any one time, and the ones that are off poolside are off for the better part of 2 hours...not doing very much at all
the staff there are patronizing, i've been qualified as a lifeguard for 11 years now, iive worked as a cleaner, a lifeguard, a teacher, a manager...i think i know a little bit more than the guy who started a month before me, but insists on telling me how to do things, or the camp guy who seems to think that i'm not aware that i'm due back on poolside in 15 minutes and feels the need to remind me every time i'm off poolside, even though i was the only one off poolside
things like that make Px a proper style angerball
things like that make Px walk out
walking out makes Px smile a little, but now i'm waiting to hear back from the ops manager, because i know he's going to call me sometime on monday...that's going to be an entertaining phone call...
"yeah sorry i walked out like i did, but there are so many things that i can see that are wrong there and need to be changed, and i know that there is nothing i can do as a lowly lifeguard, and i know that as soon as i suggest some changes certain people will think that i'm trying to rock the boat, other people will think that i'm too cocky and other people will look at me blankly and say 'what the fuck are you on about...this is how we've always done it there's nothing wrong with it...is there?' so on that note i quit, i don't need the hassle and stress that comes along with the pitance that you call my wages, i'll return my clean uniform some point soon...when it suits me."
things are really fucked up at the moment
i went to speak to woja about things and he helped a little
but i still feel as though my hand is hovering just above the big red self-fucking-destruct button and i'm not sure if i have the energy to hold it up anymore

accident update
for those of you who didn't read me way back when...i had a crash in early july, when my poor little rover skidded into the back of a rather expensive mercedes van, killing my poor little car (to be honest it was the best thing that could've happened to it what with rover going out of business and me running it into the ground)
anyway long story short and all that i went to hospital to have a couple of x-rays and that as a precaution...but because i went to hospital the police had to get involved...and an investigation ensued the results of which i got through the post this morning, over 4 months after the original incident...oh well...
the results are basically that i've been given a written warning, and that's it...the police do not see the need to go any further than that...so it's good news for me
FYI...for those who didn't read back then...click here for the details of what happened i wrote it a few days after the accident
but anyway, it's all good
Px

post birthday post
ok birthday was saturday and i know it's now monday...so what happened to sunday...right?
well sunday was mostly spent in my roomwatching films and tidying things up, and generally being quiet, had a bit of a monster headache when i woke up, but it passed during the day
so...saturday was nice and quiet...well until the evening
the evening was cool
and drunken
so thanks to the peeps who came out
anyway
i would show you pics of the night, but i forgot to take my camera with me and so there's nothing to show...cunning really
anyway...it's monday, i'm going away tomorrow and not back for a few days so i'll not be posting much this week and there is a slim chance that i'll be able to HNT, but i doubt it...we'll see
right...things to do...
laters peeps
Px

birthday boy blog
well this is it...today is my birthday
i'm now officially 27
and you know what
it's no different to being 26
i'm spending the day mostly on my own
partly through choice, partly because people are too busy...understandable...parents are out, friends are away/busy
still i'm hoping that i'll be out drinking tonight, although a couple of people have bailed out on that already too...shame as i was hoping they'd make it
anyway
i got 5 cards and £90 in cash...that's it really...nothing else...but you know what, i'm cool with that, there's nothing i really want this year and there's certainly nothing i need either so i'm good
right, with that i'm heading back to the film i was watching before i felt the need to blog
laters peeps :)
Px

HNT super pose down!

ok this week i'm offering a selection of pics due to being away next week and possibly not being able to post anything...not actually sure yet, i guess i'll find out when i get there!
Let me know which one you like the most
so here we go...

pose 1: a John Cena style "you can't see me" pose

pose 2: a Rock style "peoples eyebrow"...can you smell what the Px is cooking?

pose 3: finally a proper hand pose

pose 4: another tattoo...excuse the slightly hairy back

and finallly for PP it's not the same one as you've seen...but it'll do

one of those days
that's exactly what it's been today
all i've been able to do is mope about and sigh
and to be honest that's pretty much all i wanted to do today as well
i'm feeling really fed up
it's under a week until my birthday and i really couldn't care less
in fact the biggest reason as to why i've not tried to organise anything to do is because i know that:
a) some of the people i've known longest will have forgotten when my birthday is
b) i can't be dealing with people who will make up some crap excuse as to why they can't make it, or say that they will come out and then either not bother showing up or bail out on me at the last minute
c) as much as i'd like to think that by some miracle that both of the above points are totally made up and won't happen this year, i know deep down that they are true and it just pisses me off too much to want to enjoy myself very much at the moment

i'm looking forward to getting away next week, even if it is only going to be for a couple of nights, anything has got to be better than festering in this hole that has become my life

for all the good things in my life at the moment i can think of at least 2 things thatcome along wiht them that are bad. that take the shine off them. and no matter how good things are when things are good i know that when they stop being good the gleam goes and things are just as bad as they were before, in some cases they are worse

i want to be able to switch everything off...even if it's just for tonight...at least then maybe i'll be able to get some sleep because right now i'm shattered, i think i got about 4 or 5 hours sleep last night and i'd been up way too long yesterday...right now i've been up about 15 hours, but it feels like a lot longer...and seeing as it's only about 8pm i'm guessing that there'll be at least 3 more hours until i get into bed, let alone get to sleep, wihch will be at least an hour after getting into bed

help me switch off
i've had enough and i was to sleep
Px

i'm bored of looking at the interior of my mouth
as cool and different as the pic is, i'm bored of it now
so this is a mini post to say that i worked all weekend, hardly slept any of it and although that means i've got some money coming in, it also means i'm feeling slightly grouchy and fed up
i've also got the delights of a cold kicking in...just what i need
still...
next week i'm going away for a couple of nights - looking forward to
next week i'm not working at all - looking forward to
this saturday is my birthday - not really bothered about in the slightest

i'm being bugged about doing something on my birthday...at the moment i'm quite tempted to work
that's all
Px

Happy HNT!!!

After much discussion with PP last night over what i should post, when i really should've been in bed, we agreed that this would be the most fun and weirdest pic i could post out of the options i gave her.
she's seen far too much of me now...

for today only i've turned the word verification off to make it easier for you lovely people

UPDATE
Jenfer has just told me that she raised £1000 from the party at the weekend
so well done to her :)
Px

the 4 baths of man
double post today, please read both...
i heard this on a "soap" the other day and i wanted to use it in a post because i thought it was accurate and would make other people laugh after i'd put it in my words...and for those people who recognise where it's come from...yes i am sad, but then so are you!
the principle for this is based on the 7 ages of man, but seeing as i've only just read what that's about and i didn't really pay much attention to it either i'm sticking with the 4 baths of man

the first bath is when we're little...i mean really little...when baths are fun and you can splash around and laugh and giggle get everything wet, including our mum/dad who's bathing us at the time, we'd do anything to get in the bath and just get water and bubbles everywhere. including bubble beards and big bubble hairdos

the second bath is when we're still children, but older, the stage where we want to be as dirty as possible, avoiding getting in the bath for as many days (or weeks if you were lucky) as possible. it wasn't so much about avoiding getting wet, but more about staying dirty. with mud on our knees, jam on our faces and who-know what in our hair.

the third and longest bath is an adult bath, this is the relaxing bath, one where we have it hot, with plenty of bubbles, some have candles, some have wine, some have books, some have other people. these baths have gone beyond just getting clean, these are about unwinding, these are about relaxing, these are about "me time". this stage is about climbing in the bath and not thinking about anything for as long as possible, sometimes these baths can last hours, and we love it

the final bath is the bath for the older person, the bath where we worry about slipping and breaking something, where we no longer enjoy staying in there for hours in case we can't get out again afterwards. where we only get in there to get clean. where we have to use all manner of things to help us get into and out of the tub, from baths with doors to things we sit on which lower us and raise us back up again afterwards.

i'm very glad to say that i'm in the third bath at the moment, i'm happy to sit in there with a good book for a couple of hours, ossacionally topping it up with hot water. sometimes i enjoy a nice cold beer while i'm there, other times it's a glass of wine, always it's hot. and on the odd occasion it's not alone ;)
i love my bathtime, and i'm dreading moving into the final bath.

anyway that's just me...what do you think?
Px

spooky, darlings
right
so yesterday was halloween
except over here it's not such a big deal as it in in the USA
there was the party i went to on satuday, but because i've spent all last week working, i didn't get chance to go and get a costume, not that i'd need one (before someone else says it)
and besides last night i was bear sitting again which was cool, except she wouldn't settle for ages, she was up about an hour longer than she normally is, but she eventually went down and then i got to eat and play PS2 :)
i couldn't eat before because she's got into the habit of eating whatever anyone else has got rather than her own food, which is fine, but i had one of my favourite dinners last night and i didn't really want to share...mmmm...crispy chilli beef :)
anyway
jenfer's party was good fun, i'm hoping she raised a decent sum, but i ain't got a clue how much, i guess i should give her a call and find out really, but it was good to see her and it was a laugh, it's just a shame the other regulars from our old crowd didn't go...
work is going pretty well at the moment, both jobs, sticking with the lifeguarding at the moment as i'm starting to enjoy it a little at the moment. some of the kids there are a good laugh which makes it more fun i guess
everything else is pretty good too
so in general life is all good :)
Px