ok a little back story
10 months ago i was in an unhealthy relationship, as is always the way, i didn't see this at the time and therefore squandered the following opportunity.
10 months ago i met someone who to this day i think about regularly.
10 months ago i met lindsey (aka linny)
a planned holiday to the UK with her friend and a half arranged attempt for us to meet up while she was here before she left didn't hold much hope for me and her to meet, however we exchanged numbers in the hope that she would be able to arrange things that we could meet up.
things worked out that she'd breeze into oxford for the evening on her way to london. just enough time to meet up and have a pint.
but during the evening i flirted with not only lindsey, but also with her friend. this lead to confusion that wasn't fully resolved until last weekend.
and it wasn't until this past weekend that i broke my silence with regards to my true feeling from that night.
lets break it down
when we sat down i didn't sit next to lindsey, i sat next to her friend, this was partly intentional on my part, it's a lot easier to study a person and take in everything about them when you can look at them.
through the evening i found it hard to take my eyes off lindsey, but i think i was doing a pretty good job of not lingering too long
through the evening we had a good time, so much so that the girls cancelled that night's accomodation in london and favoured a night in oxford (they ended up in a hostel, not ideal as i'm sure lindsey will tell you, i initially suggested a motel saying that i'd come and get them in the morning and make sure that they made it to the station safely) i would've offered space in my own home, but at the time i was in the spare bed because i'd been out and if i got home late and woke up her, then my life would've been hell.
at the end of the evening, when i dropped them off at the hostel, we shared a kiss, first i kissed her friend, then i kissed lindsey. she's said tha ti kissed her longer than i kissed her friend, and at that point she half realised that it was her i'd been interested in. at that time i wanted to kiss her much more passionately, but i refrained because of the relationship that i was in.
since that night i've often thought what it would've been like to kiss her that way.
since that night i've had much deeper thoughts about things
since that night i've found myself a little jealous
since that night we've kept in contact
since that night we both hid things from each other about how we both wanted to kiss passionately that night
that is until this past weekend when it all started innocently in a conversation on MSN
and ended up with my inviting FU to be the best man at our vegas wedding, but only if he gets in the elvis suit. venue set and you'd all be invited and it's down to me to pick a date, i'm thinking late september
now i know that it wasn't serious
but there's a big part of me that does hold on to those memories of that evening and there's a bigger part of me kicking myself for not spilling my guts to her sooner or kissing her that night. there's a part of me that would love to marry lindsey
anywhere
anytime
i hope she now knows how i feel
and i hope that she knows that i love her
laters
Px
Saturday, 30 June 2007
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
man stuff
ok
so i'm a man
i belch
i fart
i scratch myself in public!
deal with it
not i happened to fart in front of my housemate earlier, this isn't the first time i've done it, and i seriously doubt that it will be the last. anyway, being polite, i said "pardon me" as i (nearly) always do in public, i also followed it up with the stunning observation that "i farted"...
to which my housemate said, and i quote, "no shit"
the obvious reply was "no it was a fart, not a shit"
we laughed
i guess you had to be here...
laters
Px
so i'm a man
i belch
i fart
i scratch myself in public!
deal with it
not i happened to fart in front of my housemate earlier, this isn't the first time i've done it, and i seriously doubt that it will be the last. anyway, being polite, i said "pardon me" as i (nearly) always do in public, i also followed it up with the stunning observation that "i farted"...
to which my housemate said, and i quote, "no shit"
the obvious reply was "no it was a fart, not a shit"
we laughed
i guess you had to be here...
laters
Px
Sunday, 24 June 2007
a whole big pile of randomness
ok
i've got half hour before i need to leave to go to the pub for work...
anyway, that aside, i've got to air a few things
work:
on thursday i went to work...the white van job...only to find that the lorry that delivers to us was running late, i normally leave the depot around half 5 in the morning, that day i left 2 hours late because after the lorry. and the fact that mine was one of the last on the lorry...partly because i'd hepled everyone else ot load up their vans and they'd all buggered off without helping anyone else! so i get to what would be my usual first drop 3 hours after i normally do...i spent the rest of the day trying to catch up with myself so that all the normal stores got their drops when they usually do...i managed it, but i skipped every store that didn't have a delivery. then on friday, breakfast was late as usual, i'm getting fed up with that, but when i went down to my van, the tyre had gone down overnight! i kicked the wheel out of frustration. i found the jack from in the van and the spare tyre (the jack wasn't big enough, the spare is going bald) not that it mattered because once i'd undone all the wheel nuts, i still couldn't get the wheel off the van. i had to call my boss to get someone out to me to help me to take the wheel off...when that bloke eventually got to me i was already 90 minutes late again!! and i'd wrecked my jeans because the jack was covered in oil and it was raining.
enough said!
pub work:
it's going ok...
but only ok
i was late on friday because of the other job
but it wasn't that busy
car:
it's going still running
which is a good thing
i bought guitar hero 2 the other day :)
i've not had chance to play it yet though
i also bought a few dvds, not had time to watch them yet either...
i had a long chat with linny last night
that was awesome :)
and she's finally signed up to facebook too...
getting quite a few people chatting to me on facebook, it's great because some i've not spoken to since 2000 or there abouts
anyway it's nearly time for me to head to work, i need a shave and a wash before i head off too
so laters peeps
Px
i've got half hour before i need to leave to go to the pub for work...
anyway, that aside, i've got to air a few things
work:
on thursday i went to work...the white van job...only to find that the lorry that delivers to us was running late, i normally leave the depot around half 5 in the morning, that day i left 2 hours late because after the lorry. and the fact that mine was one of the last on the lorry...partly because i'd hepled everyone else ot load up their vans and they'd all buggered off without helping anyone else! so i get to what would be my usual first drop 3 hours after i normally do...i spent the rest of the day trying to catch up with myself so that all the normal stores got their drops when they usually do...i managed it, but i skipped every store that didn't have a delivery. then on friday, breakfast was late as usual, i'm getting fed up with that, but when i went down to my van, the tyre had gone down overnight! i kicked the wheel out of frustration. i found the jack from in the van and the spare tyre (the jack wasn't big enough, the spare is going bald) not that it mattered because once i'd undone all the wheel nuts, i still couldn't get the wheel off the van. i had to call my boss to get someone out to me to help me to take the wheel off...when that bloke eventually got to me i was already 90 minutes late again!! and i'd wrecked my jeans because the jack was covered in oil and it was raining.
enough said!
pub work:
it's going ok...
but only ok
i was late on friday because of the other job
but it wasn't that busy
car:
it's going still running
which is a good thing
i bought guitar hero 2 the other day :)
i've not had chance to play it yet though
i also bought a few dvds, not had time to watch them yet either...
i had a long chat with linny last night
that was awesome :)
and she's finally signed up to facebook too...
getting quite a few people chatting to me on facebook, it's great because some i've not spoken to since 2000 or there abouts
anyway it's nearly time for me to head to work, i need a shave and a wash before i head off too
so laters peeps
Px
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
i'm sure
there was something really blog worthy that i was going to write today, but i can't for the life of me remember what it was...
bugger
laters
Px
bugger
laters
Px
Sunday, 17 June 2007
and so it's done
ok well honestly nothing's been done for a while
in fact i've done next to nothing all weekend...and that's just how it should be!
yesterday i went searching for a skateboard, no major reason apart from wanting one and thinking that it would be an easier way of getting round than walking everywhere...yes i am that lazy! but i couldn't find one, i found a shop that sold decks, trucks and wheels and all that, but being the lazy sod that i am i didn't get all the parts
i nearly bought a nintendo Wii...thought it would be fun, but didn't thought that i should save my money, but it's still there in my mind :)
also was debating on getting guitar hero 2 for the PS2 with the guitar thing as well, but once again decided not to...
in the end i bought a drink and a kitkat...lol
last night i was going to stop in with jenfer, watch a film and just chill...which we did, then i went out with chunk, who i've not seen for months and we had a really good night out, i got drunk, but not wasted which is always a bonus. and for the first time in ages i actually just switched off and enjoyed myself
so yeah :)
it's better than it has been
part of my wishes i'd got a wii
part of me wishes i'd got guitar hero
all of me knows that saving money was the sensible option!
btw hi to the peeps sneaking in from facebook...you know who you are :)
and hi to the person from bedfordshire who checks in fairly regularly...
laters peeps
Px
in fact i've done next to nothing all weekend...and that's just how it should be!
yesterday i went searching for a skateboard, no major reason apart from wanting one and thinking that it would be an easier way of getting round than walking everywhere...yes i am that lazy! but i couldn't find one, i found a shop that sold decks, trucks and wheels and all that, but being the lazy sod that i am i didn't get all the parts
i nearly bought a nintendo Wii...thought it would be fun, but didn't thought that i should save my money, but it's still there in my mind :)
also was debating on getting guitar hero 2 for the PS2 with the guitar thing as well, but once again decided not to...
in the end i bought a drink and a kitkat...lol
last night i was going to stop in with jenfer, watch a film and just chill...which we did, then i went out with chunk, who i've not seen for months and we had a really good night out, i got drunk, but not wasted which is always a bonus. and for the first time in ages i actually just switched off and enjoyed myself
so yeah :)
it's better than it has been
part of my wishes i'd got a wii
part of me wishes i'd got guitar hero
all of me knows that saving money was the sensible option!
btw hi to the peeps sneaking in from facebook...you know who you are :)
and hi to the person from bedfordshire who checks in fairly regularly...
laters peeps
Px
Thursday, 14 June 2007
HNT 2fer
ok so i've been kinda promising for a while to show off my new ink and my new piercing...
well seeing as i can't show off both in one pic i'm putting up 2 pics today...
first we have the new ink...
you all remember the fire around the right ankle, yeah? (what do you mean no?...shame on you...oh well it's in this shot too...) well recently (about 6 weeks ago) i added waves to my left ankle and this is the result:
and second we have the new tongue piercing
people keep asking why?
if you have to ask, then you really shouldn't want to know the answer because you're just to innocent... ;)
anyway...HHNT peeps
take it easy
and thanks to those who felt the need to leave a message or get in touch as a result of the previous post...honestly i'm ok, i just needed the space to let it out (if you don't know what i mean, then you really should go and have a read, it's about a serious topic and it would mean a lot to me if you could all just pop along to the next post and take a look, it might help you understand what someone you know is going through)
laters peeps
Px
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
it's been a week
only a week, but still, surely you'd think i should've said something since last week!
well it seems blogging buddies are dropping like flies this year
not heard anything from becca for a while, fu has just announced he's turning his back on the blog life and switching to facebook, rawbean slipped out earlier, as did steve novak...
oh well, i'll just add them to the list which also includes woja and tochy...people that con't really blog anymore list
an quick update on the car, i've got it back...it's becoming a money pit though, whihc is pissing me off...think i'll just get rid of it when the work has finished...
yeah that's right, i've got it back, but the works not finished yet...
you remember the comment i made about the bonnet blowing open while the bloke from the garage came to get it...well they've got me a bonnet, and it's a different colour to the original! but they have said that they'll re-spray it for me, so that's ok
work is hectic at the moment
i'm not getting enough sleep at the moment
i'm feeling very lonely most of the time
not a lot else to say at the moment
there was a big report on the radio news today about suicide, and that every day 3 men between 18 and 35 kill themselves in the UK each day, it's the main reason for death in this gender/age bracket... can you believe that? i can...i'm in this age bracket and i've contemplated t many times, from wondering what it would feel like and how much it would hurt to do something like slit my wrists to driving my car way too fast and just rolling it or making it hit a wall to wondering if i'd notice myself slipping away if i took an overdose. the general consensus was that men don't feel like they can talk to anyone about their problems and that they put up a mask of being this happy jovial person when others are around. having been there and done that, it's all true. but it also doesn't help when you think about opening up to someone and that person thinks that you're talking rubbish, or is more concerned in relating every thing that you tell them back into being about them and how difficult their life is and all that. or worse still,the person you're opening up to doesn't take it seriously, they eother focus on one thing that they feel is important (in my case the counsellor that i was seeing took her issue with my family, and seemed to think that my relationship to my siblings and the fact that i referred to them all as brothers and sisters when they are only half brothers and half sisters) or, and this can sometimes be worse, they think that your problems are pathetic, petty or trivial (in my case this related back to the last full time job i had and the fact tat i was less than happy in it, the person i spoke to when i tried to open up about it told me that i was being stupid and that it was all in my head and i should get a grip on myself). these reactions will often lead to the depressed person feeling lower than they do already, and will make them even more introverted when it comes to dealing with the problems that they face. it made me feel worse, it also made me feel less and less comfortable with opening up to people about my issues. i've chosen specific people in the past to help me through rough times, some of these people are still in my life now, some thankfully are not. but even now, knowing that there are people out there who are willing to help and are capable of just listening and offering helpful advice, doesn't mean that i'm willing to open up to them...some of them read this blog, they know that i've called them or texted them when i needed to get something off my chest, but others who read this know that this is used as an outlet for me, and that's part of the way i cope with things. but ever increasingly, im finding that i am becoming more introverted with regards to depression and telling people that i've got a problem and that i am asking for help...because i don't want the reactions that i've had from the people that are no longer around or the sympathy that comes my way too
i know it's tmi tuesday again, but i think the whole thing above covers me for this week with regards to the tmi thing...
laters peeps
Px
well it seems blogging buddies are dropping like flies this year
not heard anything from becca for a while, fu has just announced he's turning his back on the blog life and switching to facebook, rawbean slipped out earlier, as did steve novak...
oh well, i'll just add them to the list which also includes woja and tochy...people that con't really blog anymore list
an quick update on the car, i've got it back...it's becoming a money pit though, whihc is pissing me off...think i'll just get rid of it when the work has finished...
yeah that's right, i've got it back, but the works not finished yet...
you remember the comment i made about the bonnet blowing open while the bloke from the garage came to get it...well they've got me a bonnet, and it's a different colour to the original! but they have said that they'll re-spray it for me, so that's ok
work is hectic at the moment
i'm not getting enough sleep at the moment
i'm feeling very lonely most of the time
not a lot else to say at the moment
there was a big report on the radio news today about suicide, and that every day 3 men between 18 and 35 kill themselves in the UK each day, it's the main reason for death in this gender/age bracket... can you believe that? i can...i'm in this age bracket and i've contemplated t many times, from wondering what it would feel like and how much it would hurt to do something like slit my wrists to driving my car way too fast and just rolling it or making it hit a wall to wondering if i'd notice myself slipping away if i took an overdose. the general consensus was that men don't feel like they can talk to anyone about their problems and that they put up a mask of being this happy jovial person when others are around. having been there and done that, it's all true. but it also doesn't help when you think about opening up to someone and that person thinks that you're talking rubbish, or is more concerned in relating every thing that you tell them back into being about them and how difficult their life is and all that. or worse still,the person you're opening up to doesn't take it seriously, they eother focus on one thing that they feel is important (in my case the counsellor that i was seeing took her issue with my family, and seemed to think that my relationship to my siblings and the fact that i referred to them all as brothers and sisters when they are only half brothers and half sisters) or, and this can sometimes be worse, they think that your problems are pathetic, petty or trivial (in my case this related back to the last full time job i had and the fact tat i was less than happy in it, the person i spoke to when i tried to open up about it told me that i was being stupid and that it was all in my head and i should get a grip on myself). these reactions will often lead to the depressed person feeling lower than they do already, and will make them even more introverted when it comes to dealing with the problems that they face. it made me feel worse, it also made me feel less and less comfortable with opening up to people about my issues. i've chosen specific people in the past to help me through rough times, some of these people are still in my life now, some thankfully are not. but even now, knowing that there are people out there who are willing to help and are capable of just listening and offering helpful advice, doesn't mean that i'm willing to open up to them...some of them read this blog, they know that i've called them or texted them when i needed to get something off my chest, but others who read this know that this is used as an outlet for me, and that's part of the way i cope with things. but ever increasingly, im finding that i am becoming more introverted with regards to depression and telling people that i've got a problem and that i am asking for help...because i don't want the reactions that i've had from the people that are no longer around or the sympathy that comes my way too
i know it's tmi tuesday again, but i think the whole thing above covers me for this week with regards to the tmi thing...
laters peeps
Px
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
oi!
ok first things first...the image of me in the previous post (my HNT) is NOT my ass/fanny/behind/hinney/butt/arse/backside/bum...it's the crook of my elbow...
it just goes to show that you people are all a little pervy!!!
not doing too great at the moment
in fact i'm really pissed off with a lot of things
my car...not only have i spent over £1000 in the past month trying to get it sorted, but now the battery is completely flat and the alternator is buggered...i broke down twice today trying to get home from work...a journey that is only about 5 miles...if that. the battery was so flat that i couldn't even put on my hazard warning lights...
i am truly pissed off with the fucking machine
so this leads me to my next thing to be pissed off with...
i go back to my mum's to collect my bike, thinking that in the meantime i can use this to get me around...only to find the fucking thing has a puncture...how fucking typical is that?
bastard thing
i'm pissed off with the traffic warden who gave me a ticket this morning for being parked in a taxi rank but let 3 other vehicles off for delivering to shops in a pedestrianised zone out of the regulated hours (i.e. after 10am), in fairness i shouldn't have parked in the taxi rank and paid the ticket without worrying about it
i'm pissed off with my job and working all the hours that which ever god i've pissed off this time is sending...at last count i'm averaging 70 hours a week, at least 2 nights a week i get about 5 hours sleep before i'm up again and struggling to get ready for the next job. factor into this that i'm away with work 2 nights a week too, i rarely spent anytime at my home...and pretty much the only time i see my housemate is during our weekly salsa class...yes i am finally learning to dance the salsa, no it's not the tango that i thought i might be learning at the start of the year, no it's not with tango girl, yes i've not mentioned her in a while, no i'm not interested there anymore
there's a shit load of other little things that are pissing me off no end too...but they're all trivial little things, like the people who drive along in the middle lane of the motorway all the time, regardless of the fact that they're not overtaking anything and refuse to move across into the outside lane (fast lane) when i want to pull out to overtake something in my van, even though that lane is clear
generally not having a good time at the moment
would love dearly to just run away
far away
but i can't
i have responsibilities
by the way, i've been tagged in a couple of pics on facebook (for those of you with it) they're pics of me with jay and silent bob...my dragons, not the kevin smith creations...so you can see them up there.
whinge over
laters
Px
it just goes to show that you people are all a little pervy!!!
not doing too great at the moment
in fact i'm really pissed off with a lot of things
my car...not only have i spent over £1000 in the past month trying to get it sorted, but now the battery is completely flat and the alternator is buggered...i broke down twice today trying to get home from work...a journey that is only about 5 miles...if that. the battery was so flat that i couldn't even put on my hazard warning lights...
i am truly pissed off with the fucking machine
so this leads me to my next thing to be pissed off with...
i go back to my mum's to collect my bike, thinking that in the meantime i can use this to get me around...only to find the fucking thing has a puncture...how fucking typical is that?
bastard thing
i'm pissed off with the traffic warden who gave me a ticket this morning for being parked in a taxi rank but let 3 other vehicles off for delivering to shops in a pedestrianised zone out of the regulated hours (i.e. after 10am), in fairness i shouldn't have parked in the taxi rank and paid the ticket without worrying about it
i'm pissed off with my job and working all the hours that which ever god i've pissed off this time is sending...at last count i'm averaging 70 hours a week, at least 2 nights a week i get about 5 hours sleep before i'm up again and struggling to get ready for the next job. factor into this that i'm away with work 2 nights a week too, i rarely spent anytime at my home...and pretty much the only time i see my housemate is during our weekly salsa class...yes i am finally learning to dance the salsa, no it's not the tango that i thought i might be learning at the start of the year, no it's not with tango girl, yes i've not mentioned her in a while, no i'm not interested there anymore
there's a shit load of other little things that are pissing me off no end too...but they're all trivial little things, like the people who drive along in the middle lane of the motorway all the time, regardless of the fact that they're not overtaking anything and refuse to move across into the outside lane (fast lane) when i want to pull out to overtake something in my van, even though that lane is clear
generally not having a good time at the moment
would love dearly to just run away
far away
but i can't
i have responsibilities
by the way, i've been tagged in a couple of pics on facebook (for those of you with it) they're pics of me with jay and silent bob...my dragons, not the kevin smith creations...so you can see them up there.
whinge over
laters
Px
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