this made me laugh

some excerpts from the edinburgh comedy festival that were emailed to me

* I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke at theAssembly Rooms

* Cats have nine lives - which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr

* The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison at thePleasance

* My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

* The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself. - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

* My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly

* Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? -Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

* You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?" - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the AssemblyRooms

* I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

* I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.You can take the Girl out of Cork, but... - MarkusBirdman at the Pod Deco

* A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs. Why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". - Steven Alan Green at C34

* I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out reallyloud "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett at TheStand

* If you're being chased by a police dog, try not togo through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.